FatGirl vs World

Dear Universe:

It's been 11 months since my spine surgery.  The first two months after surgery were rough, but my back is feeling much better.

But can we talk about my feet?  I wasn't surprised by plantar fasciitis and heel spurs in both feet.  I went through the same thing in 2007.  And yes, I know having surgery to fix those issues was my choice.  But the rehab has not been fun.  The peroneal and Achilles tendinopathy has been excruciating.

I have been going to physical therapy and doing my home exercises dutifully in the hopes that I will be able to go ahead with the second plantar fasciotomy/heel spur removal surgery sometime soon.


But I was really not prepared for having my feet run over by a LandRover at the DC Pride Parade (by a friend, he feels terrible, so please be kind).

I've spent the past two weeks binge watching all four seasons of Ugly Betty (aired from 2006-2010) on Hulu.  Some parts were a little hit/miss but some of it still rings true.

Last night I watched the series finale and it affected me a bit differently than it did the first time around.  The first time I saw it in 2010, I was wrapped up in her love life.  I was hopeful for her because if Betty could find happiness and a mate, then so could I.  This time around I was struck by Betty's central conflict of the last few episodes:  stay on the path where you're comfortable (and have some success/tenure) or do what you are passionate about?

In the last episodes she laments about not pursuing her passion project (blogging).  Sound familiar?
She also worries about what will happen to her family if she moves away (to London).  How will she fare in a place where she has to start over?

It started to make me think about the past 13.5 years in the same job (legal secretary) and in the same location (DC) and all the excuses and reasons I've relied on to help guide my decisions (either to stay or to go).  I'm currently in the "stay with the insurance that will pay for your next surgery" and "you have enough leave/FMLA" frame of mind.

I've also been thinking a lot about my health too.  There's complacency there.  It's hard to explain to people how hard the past 2 years have been.  Yesterday a colleague came to my desk to talk about his upcoming surgery.  He was always my cautionary tale of back surgery gone bad.  They're now taking out all of his hardware, cleaning up spurs on his vertebrae, and putting him back together.  He gets it.  It's physically and emotionally tiring to deal with chronic injury.

I also spoke with my general practitioner while at the physical prior to my foot surgery.  My blood results were amazing now that I've been gluten free for a year now (holy shit, just realized that now!!).

(I keep hearing over and over that blogging is dead. That it's all about microblogging now (tumblr, instagram).  FIE!!! I say FIE ON THAT!!! I shall keep writing.)

Many years ago, someone bought me a very nice candle as a thank you for some work that I did for him.  As I'm not the kind of person to spend $40 on a candle (I'm more likely to spend $5-6), I filed it in the "to be saved for a special occasion" category along with other things like fancy/delicate stemware, clothing that I don't want to get dry cleaned, and shoes that only feel comfortable for the first hour.

The other day, I was cleaning and dusting, and took out the candle and opened it up for the first time in years to smell it.  It just didn't smell as bright and as fresh as I remembered it.

Okay, my point with all of this is that sometimes things in life are amazing and special, but they're also fleeting.  Sometimes you have to light the candle and enjoy it then and there because the "special occasion" may never come, or you might not know it when you see it.  Create the occasion and it will be special.

The next step: realizing that you're the occasion :P

**waves** Hi everyone -- I'm not dead, I promise.  I started the new year very hopeful and then got the wonderful news that I have heel spurs in both of my feet.  They are very painful and it totally made me slam on the breaks with walking, going to the gym.  Steroid shots didn't work, going to physical therapy next.  But if that doesn't work, I may have 2 more surgeries ahead of me.  Fun!

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DISCLAIMERS
1.  Rebecca Scritchfield is my dietitian and my friend.
2.  She did give me a copy of the book to review and enjoy, but not before I had purchased a copy for myself.
3.  I may be a little biased because I'm quoted in the book (pg. 219)

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It's taken me reading the book twice to really process a lot of Body Kindness.  My first read had me thinking that the book was organized wrong, and the second read had me convinced that you could read each section out of order and see something you might have missed if you read the book from front to back.  I realized that Body Kindness wasn't organized wrong:  it was organized to undo a lot of the familiar harm (from easier to undo to harder to undo) we've seen in countless other diet/weight loss/fitness books and articles in order to open the reader up to a new way of thinking about not just their body but, more importantly, their life.  I should have known that Rebecca would be sneaky like that and make the book a gigantic head fake (a Randy Pausch term for indirect learning).

Body Kindness is divided into four main sections:

1. What you do ("Habits like eating, exercise, and sleep choices");
2. How you feel ("The thoughts and emotions that influence your day-to-day choices and overall life satisfaction");
3. Who you are ("Your beliefs and values that help you focus on what's really important to you and why"); and
4. Where you belong ("The relationships every single one of us needs that provide the opportunity to be part of something greater than ourselves").

For me, it's humbling to think of my own life in the context of such miraculous and historical beauty [the Grand Canyon].  How can I waste another moment of my short years on this planet down-playing the miracle of this body I have been given?  From tiny cells we become the most beautiful thinking, breathing, feeling creatures on earth.  What an amazing gift we have been given, and how dare we squander and abuse it?

At the end of 2016, I was cleared to start working out in the gym again (elliptical, light weights) and I had all these visions of going balls to the wall, of trying to reclaim what I couldn't do while I was injured or rehabbing.

Reading Rebecca Scritchfield's Body Kindness and seeing the documentary Embrace have kinda thrown a wrench into the works:  I started asking myself:


The second thought was that I wasn't giving myself much credit for how far I've healed.  I sometimes forget just how bad it was and what it's like to live in a body that's not in pain all the time.  Why would I want to do anything to jeopardize that simply because of a date on a calendar? This is still a marathon, not a sprint.  That has not changed.

I still need to be patience and aim for balance....

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With that in mind, I announce #GoTheDist 2017:

Just got back from a screening of Embrace and I think I need some more time to process. My thoughts are flying in a few different directions.

But I want to put to you all a question that I asked after the movie to the panel (but I am going to ramble a little more here).

So much of society and consumerism feeds off of insecurity -- keeping us from feeling comfortable and secure in who we are and what we look like. Essentially, we question our own worth and value.

The parallel in boxing is instability--when we get too narrow. When we "get narrow" it makes it easier for our opponent to knock us off balance at the same time it limits our range and power. Getting narrow with self-love often looks the same too--trying to take up less space and disappear.

The response is to "square up" (widen our stance to create a better foundation) -- sometimes only a single step in the right direction to restore our range, power, and stability.

What do you think is one way we all can "square up" in the direction of improving our self-confidence and body image efficacy?