Frus-dating.

Oh, you're fine, sweetheart -- every woman wants a man to be taller than she is and have some modicum of intelligence (if she herself is educated, as are you and I). I think the realization that if you're not a model, you shouldn't hold out for a model is a good one -- there are so few of us who are models -- but that's a realization you need to have whether you're a man or a woman, fat or thin, short or tall, and so on.

*Take what I say with a grain of salt... I am not the be-all-end-all of relationships, but I do have quite a bit of experience, and this approach worked for me*

First and foremost, good for you. You already appear to have the best attitude possible in building a decent relationship. Strength of character, the refusal to lower your expectations, and the ability to be self-sufficient are the strongest foundations you can have. You know who you are, you know what you want. Without that strength, you could end up lowering your expectations (which would result in a relationship that will never satisfy you) or worse, ending up in a codependent relationship where you find you literally need the other person to get by, despite the slow hell it becomes. So keep it up.

Second, never stop improving yourself... be it making yourself a healthier person, hitting the gym, reading, taking classes, etc. A person who never stops trying to improve themselves shows an outward value to others. If you're willing to invest in yourself, others will want to invest in you, too.

Now when it comes to actually meeting others, I am under the personal belief that for any one person, only about 5% (or less) of other people are dateable at all. Let alone being the right person, the fraction of people we are even remotely compatible with is so small. The only way to combat this is with pure numbers. Get out there. Approach people. Go online. Go out to parks, bookstores, bars, etc. Just put yourself out there and try to meet as many people as humanly possible. Will you get shot down? Absolutely. Will you run into a lot of jerks? Without a doubt. (Hence why you need the strength of character) But if the person you're looking for is 1 in a million... then you have to go out and meet a million people to find them. And doing it one at a time or waiting for them to come to you will waste a lot of time...

When I met my wife I was already dating three other women. I was not a jerk about it, though. I was very honest and upfront about my intentions to all of them. They all knew that the others existed. I found myself gravitating to my wife more than the others, as she seemed more compatible to me. Eventually, we made it exclusive, and once I realized I had found the one for me, I asked her to marry me. We've been together for 10 years now (total marriage + dating) and I can count the number of arguments we've had on one hand. We communicate, we're devoted to each other, we share interests. However, we are also both separate people. We have different interests. We share a lot of friends, but we have different friends, too. We're both self-sufficient, which only makes us as a couple stronger.

So yes, be your self-sufficient & strong self and don't relax your wants and needs. There is someone out there... you just have to persevere, kiss a boatload of frogs, and keep going until you find them.

Your homework: The next time you go out to a bar or the supermarket or bookstore or something, introduce yourself to 5-10 different people. Numbers. Finding love isn't about winning the lottery, it's about turning the odds in your favor.

In my experience, this applies to literally all people. Fat/thin, short/tall, male/female, by the way. The 5% rule is universal.

I have to agree with Ocho re the numbers game...

And second, I suggest not talking about/focusing on/paying any attention to those who inspire frustration. What you pay attention to grows. And if you're going to spend time giving a # to those whom you're frustrated, you're just going to get more of the same!

Defensiveness does not attract what you want.

Focus on what you want. Pay attention to what you want. Talk about what you want...keep it positive girlfriend! ;-)

Hey, you're a 10 in my book. ;)

I got Bart, so be confident: he'll turn up one day.

Oh, I wasn't saying that you gave off the impression that you wanted a model; rather, I was trying to speak in generalities about not ONLY swinging for the proverbial fences, no matter who you are.

Also, for the record, I went out with pretty much EVERY MAN IN DC from 2009 to 2011. Fat, thin, tall, short, dumb, educated, rich, poor and everything in between. I lowered my standards, raised them and then lowered them again and raised them again.

Ultimately, I ended up with a guy who is taller than me, just as smart as me, and fits a million other little criteria I didn't even know I had.

So, I really WOULD recommend taking the "scorched earth" approach to dating because it keeps you covering ground (playing the numbers game, as has been suggestion) and keeps you learning about yourself to know what is ACTUALLY a deal-breaker and what can go by the wayside.

Keep searching -- he's out there!

I think it's very strange that women are hurt when a guy says "I want a woman to weigh less than me" but think it's okay to say "I want a guy who's taller than me."

We can't have it both ways.

I only met creeps when I used match.com 4 years ago.... Like seriously sick guys... The last one was 1. Married, 2. Very Physically aggressive/dominating and 3. A Convicted Pimp (technically owned an escort service butttt like that makes a difference)... Luckily I met the Hubs shortly there after while I was working onsite for one of my company's clients... But the creeper kept texting and calling so I ended up blocking his number for a while... I still worry that I might bump into him near my work but thankfully I haven't yet...

Keep trying Hun... No need to settle!
@seelaurarun

I just wanted to comment on the tall thing. I think my husband is pretty much prefect, out of my league (I'm not putting myself down, but he's wonderful and kind and looks like Michael J Fox and even has a high-paying job). But he is short. That is fine with me, I'm even shorter. But I honestly believe that some other girl would have snapped him up long before I came along if he was 5'10" instead of 5'6". I got so lucky!

I have had the same philosophy all my life about 'standards' and 'expectations'... this goes for life and not just dating... if you are truly honest with yourself about what you want and what you need when you set these things, then don't worry or let anyone talk you into changing them. That won't make you happy. There is a person for everyone and you will find that person. They will delight in the fact they make you happy just as much as you delight in the fact you are what makes them happy. Waiting is awful, I know it is. Waiting is the worst and it can make you doubt things... but it's part of life unfortunately. The best we can hope to do I think, is to be as graceful as possible about it. For me, that occasionally means having a crying fit, but I do it gracefully. :grins:

I was told by family and friends (never you though) that my expectations were unrealistic for what I wanted in a husband. I knew what I wanted and would accept though. I also got him. Know what you want, he'll come along. :)

I love this post because I can relate 100%! I am currently on match.com and it is...interesting. I really haven't gotten anyone being mean or rude but I do get the perverted comments here and there. It's annoying because I feel like men do that to us adorably cute chubby girls because they think we would jump at anything.

News flash. Not gunna happen. It took me a long time to realize what I deserved in a man. Geeze I was with an awful person for 3 years just because he called me beautiful at 315lbs and I didn't think I could do better. Well I broke up with him and I CAN do better! I love that you have standards and you should never settle. I'm 28 and I don't care if it takes me until I'm 40 to find someone I deserve. I would rather have a good relationship with myself than a bad relationship with a man.

Also...I really hope your friends don't really say things to you like this "you're lucky to get what you get." I would punch one of my friends if they ever said that to me! And that is SO not true. You're a beauty.

First let me say that I was engaged when I was 300 lbs. I was around 250 when I re-entered the dating scene in 2012 (after my 10 year relationship ended). So the fact of my weight or being a "big girl" has never been a negative factor. Now I'm not saying that I haven't ever been told "But you have such a pretty face" either :)
I joined Match.com after I decided I was ready to enter the dating world again. Disclaimer: I waited until I was over all of my relationship ending issues. Ten years and infidelity is something to work through. I'll suggest that nobody take your old bagage out with you. Bottom line: allow yourself to work through any of your personal issues before you begin dating.

While on Match, I met some "insert sarcasm here" real winners. The kind of winners that are 42 years old, still live with their Momma, don't have a license, don't have a real job, and a several DUIs. The kind of winners that their house smells like dog piss cause they're too lazy to get off their ass, pause their PS3 & take the dog outside.
I'm rambling, but I did meet the guy that I've been dating for the last six months on Match.com. We talked for a while via Match messaging and texting before agreeing to meet. His ex was also unfaithful so it's a definite positive for someone to understand where you are coming from on certain things (aka...being slow to pull the commitment trigger).

I guess what I'm saying is, don't ever apologize for having your own standards & not compromising them. Some men are just intimidated by a strong, confident woman who knows what she wants. Especially when she knows she doesn't want to deal with their Bulls#@t

Oh my goodness. I have been using ok cupid for at least a year now and yes all there are are creeps. The last guy that I met from the site basically told me that it was my fault that I was single because I was obese and that I should consider lap band surgery. Not that it was any of his business but I have lost a total of 30 lbs in that last year and am still working on losing more that I gained after my divorce. I didn't let me deter me. I just said good bye and let him know that even though he clearly wanted to make this my fault I was not lowering myself to his level to bring up his faults. I find it that because I want a specific type of guy that I have to be a certain size. I find it insulting that this is what it has come to. Be thin or you don't get a cowboy (i am southern and cowboys are kind of my thing) But still I keep going.. getting healthy and taking a break from dating.. Good for you for standing up for yourself! I love your blog!