The Sound of Silence

(imho) There are a few reasons fitness bloggers stop blogging:
1.  they are fair weather bloggers that write when things are good, and clam up when things aren't going well;
2.  they feel they are being repetitive and/or have nothing new to say;
3.  they feel like they've lost their audience and/or don't just write for themselves; 
4.  they've decided their journey is at an end, or it's time to shut down the blog; and/or
5.  they're just on vacation, or they need to take a break.

Either way, silence in a blog speaks volumes. 

I've been feeling a few of these things.  I felt that when things were going well that I had much more to say, much more to share.  I am also aware that people look to these kinds of blogs for inspiration, not necessarily the nitty gritty.  But that's my niche, the nitty gritty. 

With Fitbloggin12 coming up this week, I must admit that I feel like a bit of a fraud:  (a) I haven't been exercising thanks to my lovely spinal injuries, my diet is all over the place, and my brain is unfocused and (b) I haven't been blogging because I'm 50% shutting down and 50% don't want to be repetitive. 

(a)  Spinal injuries are tricky to exercise around -- even exercises that are considered "low impact" (yoga, swimming, elliptical, bike, etc.) all have a positive and negative impact on my spine, especially because I have injuries in my cervical and lumbar spine (I can't isolate parts of my body to exercise without affecting one or both of the injuries).

I've always been of the mind "do what you can" and love my family motto of "if broken, still strong" -- meaning, focus on what you can do -- but even there I've dropped the ball.  I'm not focusing on my diet (notably, I'm drinking alcohol more often than I would if I were training) and I'm keeping the emotions of the injury at arms' length. 

The truth is that aside from the physical discomfort, I'm scared shitless about these injuries.  I'm frustrated.  Nothing the doctors can do will ever restore my spine to 100% functionality -- so I'm trying to determine which option gives me the best prognosis with the most functionality.  This is hard to do with all of my doctors in different practices and of different mindsets.  I wish I could host a "Save Robby's Spine" panel with all of them in one room.  What I want is simple (hah!) -- I will do whatever it takes to maintain the functionality of my spine (i.e., range of motion) while maintaining the best integrity of my spine.  Many people tell me what they've done for themselves, but every body, every injury is different.  I don't know what is right for me.

(b) I'm shutting down because I don't want you, the world, my dear readers, to know that I'm scared shitless, in pain, and having trouble seeing the light in all this darkness.  For a while I didn't even want to go to Fitbloggin because more than just feeling like a fraud, I didn't want to see people that thought I was strong seeing me in a weak and vulnerable state. 

I don't like my friends seeing me in pain either.  I was at a happy hour at a crowded bar on Friday and some random girl knocked into me.  I excused myself to go to the bathroom so my friends didn't see my eyes well up in tears.  I hid it with the smile and the drinking, but from then on out, I tried to keep my back to a wall.  The next day I was supposed to go to a bachelorette party, but fell asleep at 7 and woke up at 10.  Part of me was relieved to not go to a dance club. 

The other part is the repetition.  I know how much I dislike blogs that go on and on about one thing and lack diversity.  I would hate for my blog to be known as the blog where she just whines about her injury.  That's hardly motivational, eh?  I'd rather be known as the person that blogs while fighting like hell to get back to where she wants to be. 

And where do I want to be?  I want to wake up one day and not have to think twice about whether I can run 5 miles or not.  That day would be pretty bitchin.

I put it on Twitter that I felt like a fraud going to Fitbloggin12, as someone unable to exercise (but I'm going to try to repeat my hilarious Zumba dance moves from last year) and who feels like her blog is stagnant -- and the response was amazing.  My friends are amazing. You all reminded me that despite having being at a low point, that I was still part of this community.  You reminded me of one of my "Focus Correction" areas for this year -- which is to allow people to help me.  You also reminded me that while all of our injuries may be different, what separates us from the people that we used to be is that we're fighting for ourselves and our health now...we're not longer accepting defeat.

So if anyone at Fitbloggin12 (or even here) wants to vent about their injuries as a part of forgiving their injuries -- I'll be free for lunch on Friday (1pm) (or feel free to put a comment here).

Love y'all,
Robby