Hesitation, Jealousy, Resignation

Remember doing double dutch jump-roping on the playground?  Remember how you had to get in sync with the ropes so you could jump in at the right time?

I feel like I'm doing that with exercise right now -- I'm hesitating and waiting for my rhythm to come back to me.

Now, I know I belong to the herd, the community of athletes.  I've also come to terms (somewhat) with my jealousy over people posting awesome pictures of all the medals they've won.  I will not be posting stickers on my non-existent car telling you just how far I can run or bike.  While this makes me sad, and sometimes I feel like I'm on the sidelines watching all my friends do awesome things, I know that it's just not in the cards for me.   (Though, I might need to make myself a medal that reminds me that I'm walking around with 5 fucked up discs in a degenerating spine and still looking forward to the day I'm running again.  I need to shorten the title or get a bigger medal (watch out flava flav!))

What I haven't come to terms with is how long it might take to rehab my neck.   It took 3 months to be able to stand up straight and at least 2 years to have the courage to start exercising after 3 discs in my lower back bulged.  By "exercising," I really mean testing to see what my body was willing to let me do and how much of it.   Once I found out my body's tolerance, I set some goals and focused on weight loss.

Sadly, with the herniated disc in my neck, I'm back in that hesitant holding pattern again, waiting for the time where I feel confident enough to see what I can and cannot do.  What will I be able to do that won't hurt my neck, won't hurt my back?

Until I'm at that point, I've realized that I have to switch my focus from weight loss to healing.  While I agree with what many people have pointed out (that one can lose weight by focusing on improving one's diet), my brain needs to focus on the healing more than getting on a scale.  Even if I'm eating the best diet I can, and am farting rainbows, the minute I step on a scale I will feel the urge to return to my gym haven and burn calories.  I will feel like I'm failing more than I am healing.  For me to resist the urge to jump back into the gym before I'm truly ready, I need to resign myself to the pounds I've gained (thanks, steroids!), to the muscle I've lost (yay, atrophy!), and how far behind I am in my #GoTheDist mileage for the year.

Healthy Badass > broken badass