intransitive verb
1: to be fruitful or productive : bear, produce
2: to give up and cease resistance or contention : submit, succumb
3: to give way to pressure or influence : submit to urging, persuasion, or entreaty
4: to give way under physical force (as bending, stretching, or breaking)
I've been sitting here looking at the sign, and definition for many minutes now. Part of me just wants to post it as is, as a stand-alone post because it says everything I have been feeling. But in the spirit of sharing/behing honest and not cryptic, here goes:
((several minutes elapse))
So... the neck thing...
((more minutes elapse))
Ever just get the feeling that the universe wants to slow you down and/or see just how much you can bear?
There's no use getting huffy puffy about it because logically I know that the "universe" (the fates, the gods, whatever) really doesn't have any control or influence over my day-to-day life. But emotionally, sometimes it's just easier feeling that there's some dark humor at work here, setting me up and knocking me down.
I know that's the universe isn't limiting me, but my body is.
The word yield feels appropriate for what I am feeling. I feel trapped by my injury and forced to slow down my entire body and life to the healing schedule of my neck. According to the definitions, I feel (1) that I'm not productive regarding my pursuit of over-all health, (2) that I've been forced to sit on the sidelines of my life, that (3) the injury is a dictatorial menace on the rest of my life and (4) that the pain is able to bring me to my knees.
I am yielding to the diagnosis. I am abiding by its needs.
But I refuse to succumb to it.
The great thing about yield signs or yellow lights is that eventually you do get to proceed on your journey.
6 comments
I like how you ended this post on a positive note - "that you eventually will be able to proceed". For now it sounds like you do need to yield to get better so you are stronger soon!!
Reply"MO"-tivated
Ugh I feel the same way sometimes. Especially going through my injury, so I can totally relate-especially to what you said in a post about not feeling so young and vibrant anymore. Try to stay positive-this too shall pass!!
ReplyHi, new follower. I think I've been here before, but probably some tech glitch didn't allow me to join the site. Anyhow, I think you're rockin! You have to be well and strong, take care of yourself and then move ahead. The scale will continue to go in the right direction. I dig your writing too! :)
ReplyMer: i'm trying to be optimistic ... but it's really effing hard. My short-term prognosis is good, and that the neck is fixable, but the long term prognosis of "yeah, you're fucked" kinda looms.
ReplyAli: I feel like I am a 60 y/o lady who goes to work, comes home, pets her cats and goes to bed. So not the 30 y/o.
April: welcome to zee blog -- sorry for the tech glich. I have my weak moments (which are okay) by by-in-large I'm a fighter. Even fighters need to recover during rounds, eh?
Hi There,
ReplyI really enjoy reading you - not what you are going thru, but HOW you are going thru your challenges.
I have not found the place where you explain your injury, and so I do not know if it is chronic or temporary .. either way, pain is exhausting and emotionally humiliating.
I have been dealing with chronic pain for 21 years and kidney disease for 47 years ... and there is NOT a single feeling that you have that I cannot acknowledge or resonate with.
I guess, as I see myself as a bit more of an 'expert' in pain survival that you only because I have been doing it for 2 decades, I wish to leave you with 3 pieces of motivate that helps me go from 'victim' to survivor. :=
1) while it is OK to be mad; it is, however, not OK to stay angry. Staying angry at your pain makes you a victim and prevents you from overcoming your pain. And in that case, the pain wins - it owns you. I usually only allow myself 1 day to be angry and then I go back to survival mode.
2) you seem to ask 'why' and 'when'. I find that when I stay too long in those places it prevents me from moving into 'how can I achieve a quality life'. I have learned that sometimes we can NEVER really know the 'why' or the 'what' of a situation - for me I will never know 'why' I was molested for 8 years, and in the end it doesn't help to heal me, so I let go of the 'why' and move into to the 'how do I overcome it'. So... move to 'what can I do to overcome the pain'?? In so doing, you move from victim to survivor. and finally
3) You need to accept your current health state. AND know that acceptance DOES NOT mean you like it ... it just means you accept it. And when you can do this, then you will have the strength to be proactive against it, and be able to create a quality life IN SPITE of the pain.
I did not mean to sound all 'Oprah' ... all I wanted to do was pass along some mantras that help me get through through days when even breathing is a struggle.
xo Jen
have a great day & may it exceed your expectations
Jen:
ReplyRead here to get a picture of what I'm going through: http://fatgirlvsworld.blogspot.com/2011/07/mile-in-her-shoes.html
though, i should probably update that as I have 4 bulging discs and 1 herniated disc now (when I wrote that, I just had 3 bulging in my lower back).
1 -- I don't stay mad/angry. my predominant emotion is frustration. To have one body part dictate what the rest of my body is allowed to do is frustrating. I mean, if not for this injury, I'd be running and boxing.
2. While i sympathize with what you endured as a kid, there's a big difference between situations. There's lots that i can do to avoid further injury -- that's why it's important to know the how/why. If my mechanics are wrong, I can change them and improve the long-term prognosis for my back.
3. I don't have to accept it. I've fought against my diagnosis and prognosis thus far and I'm not stopping now. Doctors told me I wouldn't be able to stand up straight. And I did. And while I don't take things lying down, I do allow the pain to inform me. It's a metric that lets me know what my body is able to do on any given day.
The only mantra i need is "let me receive it gently" (courtesy of Thich Nhat Hahn). In other words, the hurt is coming, but let me receive it in a way that i don't struggle against it, I roll with it.
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