My mom used to joke that I was always 13-going-on-30 -- that I was too mature and serious for my age. She also would joke that I would never survive to see 30 (i.e. that my mouth/attitude would get me in trouble).
Monday morning (6:30 am) found me a bit hungover (or still drunk?) from the weekend festivities. I checked my phone (as it was still in my hand from when I came home the previous night and fell in bed completely dressed) and the emails, tweets, facebook messages, were already piling up. My kittens noticed me rustling in bed and decided to join me. The birds were singing outside. My hip flexors were screaming bloody murder. But I had survived my mom's prediction.
Now what?
I had previously spoken with my friend Faith about the feelings of panic that accompanied this landmark birthday. I felt like I hadn't achieved the things in life that people achieve by age 30. I wasn't married (or even dating), no kids (I love the cats, but they (as much as they try) aren't human), I didn't own my own home (I rent), and I hadn't taken over the world. She asked me to what I was comparing myself. Don't most people compare themselves to their parents? My parents were married and having a family before age 30. Faith reminded me that our generation doesn't have the same social mores or timelines as our parents' generation. She also reminded me that while I haven't been married or had kids, I also hadn't suffered some of the hearbreak that comes along with them (divorce, miscarriage, etc.).
A cloud hung over me for most of the current year because of my (lack of a) romantic life. When I thought the right person had entered my life, I made up my mind to be open, honest, and willing to love someone. I went all in and came up short in the cards. I wondered if I had squandered time and energy trying to force my life into an equation. I learned there is no equation. And while I don't want to harp on the past, I do want to say that it was enough to cause me to lose my way a bit. That coupled with some injuries made me lose sight of why I was doing all of this (the blog, the journey) in the first place. I felt I was lagging behind, or didin't know what everyone else knew.
So lying in bed on my 30th birthday, I sorted through my thoughts and tried to figure out what to say when invariably people would ask me "How does it feel to be 30?"
I'm thankful. My family is awesome, my friends are amazing ("Dear friends, You are angels and drunks, you are magi. Old friends, you stuck a pin in a map I was in, And you are the stars I navigate home by" Elbow), and I have 2 kitties to curl up with at night. I have a job I love working with people I respect and admire, a regular paycheck, and great benefits. I'm able to provide for myself.
I'm healthy. How many people get to say that they're in better physical shape at 30 than they were at 16? Sure I have aches and pains here and there, but given my diagnosis, I'm happy to say I have more good days than bad. Not only am I physically healthy, but I'm more mentally and emotionally balanced as a whole.
I'm unencumbered. I couldn't figure out the right word to describe what I mean, but at 30, I feel so free in my life. I'm not bogged down by the emotional crap I was trying to figure out in my 20s. I'm not trying to prove anything to anyone, not even myself. I can make of the day or any situation what I choose to make of it.
In other words....
I woke up wanting to go to boxing, go to work, thank everyone for remembering my birthday, and celebrate the life I have been lucky enough to have.
"Bring. It. On."
Oh, and if you saw on twitter how I wrote that all I wanted for my birthday was for former New York Giant Kevin Boss to unblock me (why he blocked me we'll never know).... well... wishes do come true.
4 comments
Congrats on becoming 30! 6 more months for me and I will be the big 4-0!
ReplySo awesome you got your birthday wish from Kevin Boss! #holla
ReplyMay your 30s be all the amazing you deserve Robby. I can't wait to meet you in person and hug it out.
xo
Happy 30th birthday!!! Beautiful post.
ReplyI can relate to everything you said. My 30th is in June and I'm thinking to myself "what have I accomplished". I started my blog almost a year ago with the notion to lose 175 pounds by my 30th. I've lost alitte over 50 and feel like I'm failing miserable. As the time ticks closer, the panic settles in more.
Kristy -- And you're looking FAAABUUULOUS!! Seriously, I hope to look that good at 30.
ReplyMeegan -- I am so glad he unblocked me, but then he went to the Raiders? WTF? Oh, I think between you, tara & I, it won't be a hug, it'll be a dogpile. There will be limbs everywhere.
TFM-- Thank you darlin. You've lost a little over 50. Have you kept it off? That's more than most people can do. And that should be considered a HUGE success.
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<3 Robby