FatGirl vs World

Make no mistake:

How to Join #GoTheDist 2012:

1. Click on the SUMMARY PAGE (bookmarking it would be a good idea as you will be using it often).

2. Fill out the next available line on the "Summary" spreadsheet.  You are responsible for filling out your biographical information (columns A–D), your tracking modality and goal (columns E and F), your quarterly goals (columns G, J, M, and P), and your half-year and full-year rewards (columns T and V).  

3. **CREATE YOUR INDIVIDUAL PAGE** (The information you have entered in step 2 should auto-complete to an individual page.  Check your line number and then look at the bottom of the page.  Match up your line number and double check that your information is correct).

4. Rename the tab "@[twitter name]" or if you don't have Twitter "[nickname]"  I will fill in the formulas to complete the Summary Page as needed (please do not tinker if you are unfamiliar with formulas).

5. Fill out the sheet as you wish.  See step #8.

6. Update your own individual page as needed (if tracking is too hard, consider printing out your page and filling it out by hand and updating it online once a week). The total mileage will automatically be updated on the Summary tab as you report on your individual page.

7. Follow #GoTheDist on Twitter for support if you need it or to support others when they do, to announce achievements, and find new/old friends!

8. PLEASE DO NOT DELETE LINES ON THE SUMMARY PAGE OR TABS! Do not SORT.  
Please contact me via email or twitter if you want to be removed or you're unsure of how to use the spreadsheet.  If you want to add columns, please add them to the RIGHT of the page.  Please do NOT move your page around! You CAN bookmark your individual page using your browser to find it easily.

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I'm also quite happy to see how #GoTheDist and #MeFirst can work hand-in-hand.  Consider taking the #MeFirst pledge!  #GoTheDist is also a friend of MeYouHealth and their Daily Challenges.

So grab your #GoTheDist buttons, use the hash tags for each month, and get out there! We're all behind you!

At the end of the month/quarter/half consider answering these questions:

• How do you think you did over the course of the quarter?  
• Did you overestimate or underestimate your capabilities?  Why is this?  Is this representative of a larger trend in your life?
• Did you learn anything about yourself while doing this? 
• Can you apply what you've learned in #GoTheDist somewhere else in your life? 
• Did you make any new friends through #GoTheDist -- were you able to support each other?
• What was the hardest part of the challenge?  (physical? mental/psychological?)
• What do you think you did really well this quarter? (doesn't have to be about #GoTheDist)
• What do you think you could improve on? (again, doesn't have to be about #GoTheDist)
• No matter the numbers you already entered, are you going to finish strong, or taper off? 
• Did you go the distance? And no, I don't mean did you hit 100% of your goal... did you put yourself out there and really try for it?  Is 80% still something you can be proud of?

This nifty photo to the left explains the nerves that are affected when you have a bulge or herniation. 

I've explained in an earlier entries that I don't just feel pain at the site of the injury, but also the places where those nerves control.  With my lower back, I feel pain down my leg.  I also have fun experiences while sneezing and other sundry things. For my neck -- the pain radiates over my left shoulder, down my biceps/triceps, to my index finger and thumb.

I've mentally compiled (and sometimes unleash on Twitter) lists of "It's fun to ____________" statements such as "it's fun to do laundry with a herniated disc in your neck" or "it's fun trying to pick up the sock you dropped."  Even the simplest things become difficult tasks that require a bit of creativity and humor. But sometimes it's really hard to find the humor (like when I have to brace myself against a wall when I feel a sneeze coming on, or else I'll totally pee at the same time).  

I'm feeling very sorry for myself lately because it's hard to feel young & vibrant when my body is crapping out on me.  I go to bed every night wishing someone was lying next to me, lightly tracing his fingers over my spine and saying "It will be okay."  I wake up in the morning wishing he was there saying "I'll help you in the shower."  I wish he was there saying "don't worry, I'll do the dishes." 

At one point during "Who Framed Roger Rabbit," Jessica Rabbit says "You don't know how hard it is being a woman, looking the way I do."  I know I'm not Jessica Rabbit, but sometimes I do hear the snare and bass drum when I walk.  Sometimes I even hear a string bass or saxaphone.

My swagger doesn't come from how I look or my measurements.  My inner sexiness comes from knowing my strengths, such as my sharp wit and playful coyness as well as my physical strength (I'm a tough cookie) and adventurous attitude.

Yet there is one thing, more than anything else, that makes feeling sexy damn near impossible (as experienced over the past 15 years) -- and that is my litany of back/neck injuries.  I can feel sexy with a sprained ankle, sexy through a sinus infection, or even sexy with a zit on my face.  I just can't feel the va va voom while I'm dealing with my spine injuries. 

I can shake most of the negative feelings associated with my injuries -- such as "it sucks not being able to lift weights" or "I hate not being able to box" -- but I cannot shake the nagging question of "what man can find a broken woman sexy?" I can't be bubbly and cheerful all the time; I can only fake it for so long before I just flat out say "you know what? I feel miserable." I also know that guys my age want to be active -- dancing, hiking, traveling and yes, even sexing.  And there are some days when that just isn't on the docket.

Even worse than not being able to keep up with the activities of dating -- how can you feel sexy and sensual when you are afraid of people touching you?  For example a coworker went to put his arm around my shoulder at my company's holiday party, and the pressure of his arm on my neck was more than I could tolerate.  I winced and pulled away from him (he apologized profusely, but it was unnecessary because he didn't know I was hurt).  Also, many times when I tell guys I have a back problem, they go into "Fix it" mode -- wanting to massage my back or crack it for me (neither help, and both make it worse).  I always wonder if guys consider me a lemon, or as something fragile that can't be touched. 

Doubt is the biggest detriment to self-confidence.

And even if I get past a few dates, I'm reminded of the orthopedist I saw in 2000 who gave me a pamphlet of how to have sex with a bad back.  The drawings were of couples in their 60s.  I don't want men to see me as past my prime, geriatric, or disabled.  I don't want guys to think that I'm completely unable or without desire.  While I don't have plans to swing from any chandeliers and hate being limited by my back, I'm still very much a woman in her sexual prime.

But for all the ways my injuries make me feel like less of a woman, there is an upside:  it makes me able to appreciate the idea of having a man in my life.  For as strong and independent as I am, it would be really nice to say "sweetie, I need help."  Most men I know relish hearing those words -- they love knowing that their skills and strength can be put to use for manly purposes.  Being injured exposes my vulnerability.  I long for the time when the man I am with tries to heal me with kisses down my spine.

When I said in my last entry that I am "mourning for myself" this is what I was vaguely referring to.  I don't hear the drums as frequently.  My swagger is departing from me.  I feel that with each degenerated, bulging, or herniated disc, the chance of people seeing me as I see myself (as a saucy minx) decreases.   With each injured disc, the chance of me seeing myself as a saucy minx decreases.

If I can't feel sexy on the inside, how will the world ever know that under all the blubber, there lies a sexpot?

So... what i thought was a disc bulge

is in fact a "herniation indenting the ventral spinal cord."
Oh, and there's a bulge in the disc below.
So that brings the tally up to 4 bulging discs (L3-4, L4-5, L5-S1, and now C6-7) and one herniation (C5-6).


This sucks.

I know you all love and support me, but nothing anyone says is going to make me feel better about this.  And more to the point, I don't want to feel better about this.  I want to feel exactly what I'm feeling:  I'm mad. I'm frustrated. But most of all I'm mourning for myself.  I feel sad that I am going through this.


While I don't want any comments, I did think this was post-worthy, as it throws a big wrench in my weightloss goals.  I need to focus more on diet if I'm going to be (once again) restricted in the gym.

Everyone knows how I abhor the word "thinspo"/"thinspiration" -- as it was born out of the pro-ana movement.

The motivation for the dogs goes right to their breed -- huskies and malamutes were bred for their strength, their stamina, their disposition, and mostly their desire to run.  They are amazing athletes in their own right (for example, The average Alaskan husky running in the Iditarod burns about 11,000 calories a day. To put that in perspective, compare a 44-pound dog with a 175- to 180-pound human in an endurance event like the (Tour de France) bicycle race. On a body-weight basis, an Iditarod racer eats and burns about eight times as much as a Tour de France cyclist.), but when working with the right set of other dogs, they are a precision team.  Lead dogs, swing dogs, team dogs. and wheel dogs need to work together, but are chosen to fit certain roles.

I don't know what the motivation for the human is, because the prize money pales to the cost of maintaining the team.  But I'm willing to bet it is the same for many other athletes -- to push the boundaries of what they know or think they can do, and then go further; to say they are among the elite.

I often get a little mopey when I realize that because of my back, I'll never be able to participate in the kinds of races listed above -- but I have my own pack to run with:  my #GoTheDist team.  It doesn't matter if we're pursuing different modalities, the goal is the same:  to cross the finish line each month, doing what we set out to do.  When one of us succeeds and meets our goals, we all do.  That's my motivation.  That's what I carry with me when I'm in the gym busting my butt to beat my PRs, or even to just put in the time.  It's all about remembering that nifty little point about self-efficacy -- when we see similarly-situated people (i.e. our peers) succeed, we know we can as well.  (And we all know what it's like to fall short of a finish line and have our team love us all the same.)

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How to Join:
1. Click on the SUMMARY PAGE (bookmarking it would be a good idea as you will be using it often).

2. Fill out the next available line on the "Summary" spreadsheet (do not use Columns F or G, J or K -- they will automatically calculate once link your sheet).  I repeat.... START ON THE SUMMARY PAGE!

3. **CREATE YOUR INDIVIDUAL PAGE** (Look at the line you filled out on the SUMMARY PAGE -- find the corresponding number on the bottom of the screen.  This is your individual page!).

4. Rename the tab "@[twitter name]" or if you don't have Twitter "[nickname]"  (If you want to link your page back to summary spreadsheet, go for it.  It's a huge help. Column F will look like this (minus the brackets):  ='[your tab name]'!D43  Column J will look like this (minus the brackets):  ='[your tab name]'!E43)

5. Fill out the sheet as you wish.

6. Update your own individual page as needed (if tracking is too hard, consider printing out your page and filling it out by hand and updating it online once a week). The total mileage will automatically be updated on the Summary tab as you report on your individual page.

7. Follow #GoTheDist on Twitter for support if you need it or to support others when they do, to announce achievements, and find new/old friends!

8. PLEASE DO NOT DELETE LINES OR TABS! Do not SORT.  If you want to add columns, please add them to the RIGHT of the page.  Please do NOT move your page around! You CAN bookmark your individual page using your browser to find it easily.

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I'm also quite happy to see how #GoTheDist and #MeFirst can work hand-in-hand.  Consider taking the #MeFirst pledge! Also, check out the #MeFirst Blog!

So grab your #GoTheDist buttons, use the hash tags for each month, and get out there! We're all behind you!

At the end of the month consider answering these questions:

• How do you think you did over the course of the month?  
• Did you overestimate or underestimate your capabilities?  Why is this?  Is this representative of a larger trend in your life?
• Did you learn anything about yourself while doing this? 
• Can you apply what you've learned in ##GoTheDist somewhere else in your life? 
• Did you make any new friends through #GoTheDist -- were you able to support each other?
• What was the hardest part of the challenge?  (physical? mental/psychological?)
• What do you think you did really well this month? (doesn't have to be about #GoTheDist)
• What do you think you could improve on? (again, doesn't have to be about #GoTheDist)
• No matter the numbers you already entered, are you going to finish strong, or taper off? 
• Did you go the distance? And no, I don't mean did you hit 100% of your goal... did you put yourself out there and really try for it?  Is 80% still something you can be proud of?

Learn to enjoy the holiday, and what it stands for, without stuffing your face full of food.

My general practitioner is from Yugoslavia. She also speaks fluent Serbian.  This makes me think that she grew up not in Belgrade, but somewhere closer to the border.  And by that, I mean to say that being a doctor in America is probably a lifetime away from where she grew up. 

So when she said "So...you know you're fat, right?" I think there were a variety of things at play:  English being her third or fourt language; obesity being a "first-world" problem; and her being the inspiration for the don't give a shit attitude of the honey badger.

Language and attitude aside... she was right.
At 5'9" and 240lbs, I wasn't just fat, I was obese.

I love that she didn't phrase it as a statement -- i.e., "You are fat." -- but as a question about whether I knew I had a problem or not.  Cause believe it or not, people think they're way healthier than they actually are.  For all the years of people saying it was "baby fat" or that I would "grow out of it after puberty" there was finally a person with the balls to stop sugar coating it, who was willing to risk offending me in order to help me save my life.

We talked about what I ate, my exercise patterns, and some other things.  Her recommendation?  A dietitian and a therapist.  She could see the tears well up in my eyes after she asked me "How long have you been overweight?" I could barely get out the story about my dysfunctional relationship with food and my family.  She knew I needed to address those issues before I would be ready to lose the weight.

My opinion is that "FAT" is only derogatory if you are unaware of who you are at the core (that is, it didn't hurt me to be called fat because I knew that deep down, the body I was in was holding back who I was meant to be).

 My opinion is that "FAT" can't hurt you anymore if you have truly turned your back on your former lifestyle and have dealt with all the psychological issues that got you there in the first place.

My opinion is that being called out for being FAT changed my life for the better versus all the times people tried to protect my feelings by saying "oh, you're not fat, here... have some fries."

My opinion is that my FAT is really FUEL. My wiggles and jiggles mean that I can run long runs without having to carbo load before.  I have little fat cells lying in wait to help support my muscles.

I also know the reality of how fat people are viewed in this world -- which is why my blog name is FAT GIRL versus WORLD.  By sharing my awesomeness with the world (and the fact that I don't eat Twinkies 24/7), I want to show people that just because I have said wiggles and jiggles, that it won't prevent me from kicking ass at life.  I will fight for the same rights and respect that naturally thin people get just by showing up.

But do bear in mind that I'm not advocating blind fat acceptance.  My core belief that the journey and how we should view ourselves is not through size/weight but rather through health/fitness.  Be whatever size or shape you want to be, but have a healthy lifestyle, a healthy attitude, and be able to outrun a ninja.

So when someone gets their panties in a twist over someone else using the word fat, I just wonder if they haven't fully faced their fears about going back to the way they were, or if they will continually be victimized by a three letter word.

I really like @TheAntiJared's take on the word "fat" and I love the conversation going on at @MizFitOnline's blog. 

I think at some point everyone needs to make a choice as to whether they're going to let that word define them, or whether they're going to let their actions speak louder than that one word.

Hominids (the great apes -- chimps, orangutans, gorillas and humans) are pretty fancy.  We have an extraordinary ability to combine our brain power and our manual dexterity and solve problems using tools. Because of this, our species, Homo sapiens, has thrived.  We are able to manipulate our environment to suit our needs and our wants. 

But sometimes we're just so fancy pants that we focus only on our mind.  Since we're so smart, we should be able to think our way out of tough situations or will our way through challenges.  Smartie pants that we are, we forget that we have tools at our disposal that help further us toward our goals.

And by "we" I really mean me.

Case in point:  I know that diet is 3/5 of my own personal weight loss success (1/5 being exercise, and 1/5 being the mental/emotional work).  I have my tools -- my EatSmart scales at home and at work; my measuring cups and spoons; and my BodyMedia Fit food log on both my phone and my computer, etc. But have I been using them? No.

Instead of putting my big girl undies on, I've been frustrated and moping about not losing weight (despite knowing that I'm losing inches and gaining awesomeness).  I'm falling into the same trap that I try to warn other people about.  Why? Because I want so desperately to be an intuitive eater, not having to count calories.  But the bottom line is that I haven't been food logging or meal planning long enough to go autopilot.  That's a hard truth that I need to admit to myself. 

The solution is that I need to start food logging again. I need to use the tools that are at my disposal.  It is not a sign of weakness or failure, just proof that there's still more to learn.  Now I just have to do it (or convince someone to be my own personal chef/food logger).....

First, my apologies -- I meant to have this published on MONDAY Nov. 14, but since I've been feeling healthier, I feel the need to catch up on my #GoTheDist goals and get back into my routine.  Blogging fell by the wayside!

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So... without further delay I give you the winners of the 2011 Lady Balls Awards:

The Brass Ovaries Award is in recognition of a woman who has a certain amount of chutzpah, swagger, or bravery.  When she walks, you hear her ovaries ring out with a certain "I am woman, hear me roar."

The winner of the Brass Ovaries Award says what is on her mind, stands behind what she says, and is unafraid of defending her positions. 


Tara's blog can be found at http://alifechangingjourney.com/.  Take a moment and read her entries and you'll hear those Brass Ovaries ringing!  Heck, I can hear them ringing miles away.  She is one of the most fearless people I know.

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The Iron Ovaries Award is in recognition of a woman who makes a man's testes want to hide because she is the epitome of strength, endurance, grit, and fearlessness.

The winner of the Iron Ovaries Award inspires others by taking on challenges with a courageous heart. Her strength of character carries her through the day. She might not always finish strong, but she always finishes. 

 http://www.twitter.com/#%21/leavingfatville

Check out http://www.leavingfatville.com/ if you want to see why Anda dominated the Iron Ovaries category! On a more personal note, I've seen her face her challenges with self-awareness and bravery.  She never gives in!

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The Steel Ovaries Award is in recognition of the most exceptional woman among women.  She enriches all womanhood just by showing up.  She exhibits aspects of both Brass and Iron Ovaries. 

The winner of the Steel Ovaries Award is a leader among women.  She is proud to be a woman, and proud to be stronger than most men she knows.  She has seen adversity and risen above.  She endures. 

 http://twitter.com/#%21/bodywontbreak

Check out Leslie's blog at http://www.bodywontbreak.com/ and learn about the challenges she faces as she tries to become the woman she knows she can be.  I'm just starting to get to know her, but she might be one of the few people as crazy energetic as I am.   See her acceptance speech here.

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Kudos to the winners, and much love to the runners up!! Truly, you are all spectacular women!

Ladies -- if you would like me to crosspost to any acceptance speeches feel free to send me a link.
Truly when we see one woman succeed the whole gender benefits.  The whole world benefits.

Right click on the photos, "save as" and then go wild if you want to post on your blog.

Life is funny.
Sometimes life is funny because it catches you off guard.

If you've been reading my blog, you know I had a pretty serious back injury in March of 2007.  It took a little while to figure out what was wrong and the right plan of action for myself.  I had a viscerally negative reaction to the doctor that wanted to cut me up.  I went with a more measured treatment plan -- pain meds, muscle relaxers, physical therapy and an oral steroid.  When the oral steroid didn't work, we discussed epidural steroids (methylprednisolone). 

My doctor didn't do the epidurals himself, but sent me to the hospital he was affiliated with for the treatment.   And since it was a hospital, I had a $100 copay each time.  **eyeroll**

My body HATED the steroids.  I had all sorts of fun, but expected, side effects.  I only did two of the three epidurals that they prescribed.  (Have I mentioned that I HATE needles???....)   They would inject something to numb my back around the injection site, and then I'd have to sit bent forward, unmoving for the next five minutes as they injected the steroids directly into one of the discs that was affected.

I don't know whether they worked or whether the rehab did the lion's share.  I just knew that the side effects made it so I didn't want the third shot.  I was bruising whenever I'd bump into anything, started experiencing wrist pain, but the worst was the depression and mood swings.  Oh, and I couldn't drink.

But I started this post by saying that life is funny.
Over four years after getting the epidural steroids I get a $200 check from the hospital in the mail with "patient overpayment" as the only explanation for it.

I'm sure there's a "writing checks your body can't cash" joke in there somewhere...

I love Twitter because you can get into some of the most random and yet informative conversations with friends, aquaintences, strangers and companies.  That was the genesis of this post that we are now presenting as a jointly-written conversation.  Melissa/@StatofLimits and I were talking (with a few other tweeple) about the dreaded chub rub when Kenlie/@AllTheWeigh chimed in that she had tried to order/use, but had yet to receive, our salve-vation (tee hee gotta love a pun):


Robby: I don't know about you, Melissa, but BodyGlide changed my life. I know it sounds like hyperbole, but anyone familiar with chub rub needs to know about this stuff.

Melissa: I was a skeptic at first. How long could it possibly last? What kind of protection could it really offer? I'd resigned myself to living with the pain of chafing. Then the owner of a local running store saw me eyeing BodyGlide at the checkout counter and suggested I "just give it a try." I have never looked back. One time I forgot to put it on before an 18 mile run and couldn't sit comfortably for days. Three words: butt cheek chafing.

Robby: I wouldn't say I was a skeptic as much as I was just plain desperate. Not quite as desperate as butt cheek chafing (lol) but there were definitely chub rub rashes between my thighs and a few heat blisters under my sports bra. I had tried baby powder, Vaseline, lotion, you name it. But the BodyGlide won me over simply because it created a long-lasting barrier between my skin and whatever was irritating it. Since first using it I've put it pretty much everywhere on my body--thighs, underarms, under my boobs, on my hands (under my boxing wraps), and on my feet. I even used it once to tame my eyebrows.

Melissa: I use it on my heels and in between my toes. I just got this fantastic pair of cowboy boots, but they need to be broken in. In the meantime, they pinch in all the wrong places on my feet. Enter, BodyGlide! I haven't had a bad blister since I started using it. Also, my heels look much less disgusting (they're not cracking as badly after repeated applications).

Robby: Good call on your heels–my feet look so busted after an hour or two at the gym. I’ve used them for high heels and flip flops as well.

Melissa: I remember, a couple years back, going to an amusement park in the middle of the summer (in Texas). All of my girlfriends were getting dolled up in short shorts, skirts, and sundresses and I had a pair of jeans on. I just knew that if I didn't have fabric between my legs I was going to be dealing with extremely uncomfortable chafing by noon. I figured the discomfort of jeans on a 100° day was way preferable to raw thighs that would last for days, if not weeks. Now I just slide some Glide & wear skirts with pride!

Robby: I did the same thing when I was 17. I think it’s a lot better now because there are longer shorts/capri-length pants for the gym and summer. I hated being the fat girl on my softball team that had to wear spandex shorts under regular shorts because they rode up on me. Now I can wear soccer shorts with BodyGlide and no one is the wiser. BodyGlide has also solved my Irish/sensitive skin problem of skin that cracks in the dry, cold, windy weather.

Melissa: Irish love here! Got the red hair and freckles to prove it! Hm, maybe they could put some SPF in it!

Robby, after a 10-mile run WITHOUT BodyGlide, 1 week later

Robby: They’re already ahead of you! They have BodyGlide with SPF 25! I haven’t tried that one though. My minimum SPF is a lead wall. But you bet I brought BodyGlide with me when I went on vacation (strappy sandals, shorts, skirts and sand were no match!). I have sticks of the original formula stashed everywhere. I've learned from my mistakes and bad judgment. I'd rather use it and be safe, than not use it and be sorry. You know, one time missing BodyGlide has a domino effect. Like if I get a blister on my hand from sweaty boxing wraps, I'm less likely to box the next day. If I get a rash from my thighs rubbing my next run will be agony.

Melissa: I'm the proud owner of, probably, half a dozen BodyGlide sticks. Some to keep in different places so it's always around if I need it, and then a "Can Share stick" and a "Do Not Share stick." There's always that moment where you get in the shower, post-exercise, and the second the water hits you, you know exactly where you missed with the BodyGlide. Like you said, if I've got chaffing discomfort, I'm probably going to convince myself I "deserve" to skip my next workout. But what’s most frustrating is being 10 miles into a run and having to stop because of the pain. BodyGlide made so many more forms of exercise accessible. I run in shorts now!

Robby: OUCH! You had to remind me of that painful burning feeling, didn’t you? And maybe you need to put BodyGlide in your run belt. I have lots of friends that swear by using powders or moisture wicking clothing, but those things don't always work on longer runs or when you’re sweating up a storm, do they?

Melissa: You're right. I do my best to combine different methods to prevent the pain and discomfort of chafing, like avoiding cotton as much as possible when I work out. A sports bra can be specifically designed with high intensity exercise in mind, but that won't necessarily stop it from moving against your skin while you run or bike, and that's where chafing becomes a problem. Chub Rub can happen anywhere you get that wet friction (and it doesn’t just happen to those with chub!). Anywhere I have elastic meeting skin, I throw on BodyGlide. Underwear lines, waistbands, bra bands. I've had some success with baby powder in those unfortunate situations where I missed a spot with my BodyGlide, though.

Robby: So it’s really all about finding what works for you, and sometimes mixing and matching different methods. I think the short of the long of it is that for under $10 a stick (for the 1.3 oz), it’s worth trying if you chafe, blister, or chub rub.

There are lots of definitions out there of what self-efficacy is (from Albert Bandura, the guy who coined the term, example 2, and a wiki link), but I think it's an important concept (at least enough to rouse me from sleep) for anyone wanting to lose weight/gain health/improve their life to understand.
Per Albert Bandura, "self-efficacy is the belief in one's capabilities to organize and execute the courses of action required to manage prospective situations."  (quote here)

So how does it relate to weight loss/health gain/life improvement?  Think about all the times you've tried to lose weight/gain health/improve your life -- and then rate yourself honestly about how sincerely you believed you were going to succeed.  (For instance, have you ever uttered something like "I can do something like this for a week, but I can't imagine doing it any longer!" or "I can't imagine ever loving exercise.") How about this--think about all the times you gave up before you started. How would you rate your self-efficacy? Pretty crappy, right?

This one theory is even making me reconsider revising the definition of the The Epiphany to include a phrase something like this:   Until YOU believe YOU are capable of effecting long-term and permanent changes in YOUR thoughts, YOUR actions, and YOUR life, YOU will forever be stuck in a body, mind and a life that holds YOU back.

Why was I thinking about this so late at night?  I had a passing thought about why I went to therapy a few years ago -- I lacked self-efficacy.  I felt absolutely powerless to  (1) be able to move out of my 3-br apartment that was cheap, but making me unhappy (unstable environment, long commute) and (2) to be able to stop skin picking.  I was just so paralyzed by fear that I couldn't see any scenario where I might succeed.   It took months of my therapist saying "even if you make the wrong decision, what's the worst that could happen?" (in the case of moving) and "even if you go on a SSRI for a while, what's the worst that could happen?" (in the case of the skin picking).

The great thing about self-efficacy is that it can be learned and nurtured.  You can start with a little bit of it and build it little by little.  Think about the feeling when you realized the work you put in at the gym, or your consistency in food logging resulted in a change in your body, your energy levels, and how you felt about yourself.  Remember the time you tried to go a little longer on the treadmill or do one more set on the weights.  Taste the same delight you felt when finding a low-calorie version of a favorite recipe. A wee bit intoxicating, eh?

Self-efficacy is also a great topic for the blogging community.  When you see other people succeed, you are more likely to believe that you can succeed as well.  To quote our new friend Albert Bandura, "Seeing people similar to oneself succeed by sustained effort raises observers' beliefs that they too possess the capabilities to master comparable activities required to succeed."  We need each other to re-affirm our belief (for instance, when we're putting in the work and not seeing results) that we will see results if we stay the course.

And then I think Albert Bandura took a page out of my #GoTheDist book:  "By making self-satisfaction conditional on matching adopted goals, people give direction to their behavior and create incentives to persist in their efforts until they fulfill their goals. They seek self-satisfaction from fulfilling valued goals and are prompted to intensify their efforts by discontent with substandard performances"  In other words -- it is important to set goals (and I'd even say the non-food rewards/incentives) that focus your actions toward your intentions.

Think about the time you succeeded in losing weight/gaining health/improving your life and I am willing to bet you succeeded because you had already decided that no matter what challenges arose, that you would find a way to persevere. 





 That, my dear readers, is self-efficacy.

Again, so sorry for the delay in getting this up.  Sometimes life takes precedence over spreadsheets, yanno?

Right click and "copy link location" or "save image as" to use in your blog/journal.

One of the things I love about Thanksgiving were the traditions in my family. 

On my dad's side of the family, my recollection is that every Easter we played Whiffle Ball, but every Thanksgiving we played basketball and then Trivial Pursuit or Charades.  And while the dinner was amazing, the focus was mainly on dessert and the variation of pies that people brought.  I think once we had 26 people and 21 different pies.   My dad was known for his apple and mincemeat pies, grandma had dibs on the cherry pie making, and then there were the additions of Irish Whiskey (Cream) Pie and Gobble Pie as kids got older and family members were added.

On my mom's side of the family, a normal routine took on extra special meaning because of the day and the number of family members around the table.  We'd all say what we were thankful for.  Some people were profound (being thankful for health and love) and some people were a bit more mundane (my brother was usually thankful for forks).

My (second) cousin on that side issued a challenge to her Facebook friends to do a gratitude project during this month, and I'm going to follow suit.  My time in the gym is always a time of work but also of introspection.  I'm deeply grateful for each day my body gives me to move and change my life.

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How to Join:

1. Click on the SUMMARY PAGE (bookmarking it would be a good idea as you will be using it often).

2. Fill out the next available line on the "Summary" spreadsheet (do not use Columns F or G, J or K -- they will automatically calculate once link your sheet).

3. **CREATE YOUR INDIVIDUAL PAGE** (This is a NEW step. Duplicate the "Participant Sheet." If you're comfortable working in spreadsheets you can edit it where it should repeat your personal information. The formula line will look something like "=Summary!A2" -- replace the 2 with whatever line you are on the summary spreadsheet. For =Summary!B2 do the same, etc.).

4. Rename the tab "@[twitter name]" or if you don't have Twitter "[nickname]"  (If you want to link your page back to summary spreadsheet, go for it.  It's a huge help. Column F will look like this (minus the brackets):  ='[your tab name]'!D43  Column J will look like this (minus the brackets):  ='[your tab name]'!E43)

5. Fill out the sheet as you wish.

6. Update your own individual page as needed (if tracking is too hard, consider printing out your page and filling it out by hand and updating it online once a week). The total mileage will automatically be updated on the Summary tab as you report on your individual page.

7. Follow #GoTheDist on Twitter for support if you need it or to support others when they do, to announce achievements, and find new/old friends!

8. PLEASE DO NOT DELETE LINES OR TABS! Do not SORT.  If you want to add columns, please add them to the RIGHT of the page.  Please do NOT move your page around! You CAN bookmark your individual page using your browser to find it easily.

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I'm also quite happy to see how #GoTheDist and #MeFirst can work hand-in-hand.  Consider taking the #MeFirst pledge!

So grab your #GoTheDist buttons, use the hash tags for each month, and get out there! We're all behind you!

At the end of the month consider answering these questions:

• How do you think you did over the course of the month?  
• Did you overestimate or underestimate your capabilities?  Why is this?  Is this representative of a larger trend in your life?
• Did you learn anything about yourself while doing this? 
• Can you apply what you've learned in #GoTheDist somewhere else in your life? 
• Did you make any new friends through #GoTheDist -- were you able to support each other?
• What was the hardest part of the challenge?  (physical? mental/psychological?)
• What do you think you did really well this month? (doesn't have to be about #GoTheDist)
• What do you think you could improve on? (again, doesn't have to be about #GoTheDist)
• No matter the numbers you already entered, are you going to finish strong, or taper off? 
• Did you go the distance? And no, I don't mean did you hit 100% of your goal... did you put yourself out there and really try for it?  Is 80% still something you can be proud of?

I wish this had taken off a little bit more. Why?  Well, while it might be a bunch of silliness, it's still us recognizing the strengths we see in each other.  While men were allowed to nominate women, I had hoped to see women supporting and nominating each other -- and I don't want to show any favoritism by nominating people myself (though I think there are many people not included on this list who have ovaries that clink when they walk).

That being said, I still want to thank everyone for participating and having a little fun with me.
I encourage you to vote for the nominees, but if you feel like you need to write in a name, go for it!

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The Brass Ovaries Award is in recognition of a woman who has a certain amount of chutzpah, swagger, or bravery.  When she walks, you hear her ovaries ring out with a certain "I am woman, hear me roar."

The winner of the Brass Ovaries Award says what is on her mind, stands behind what she says, and is unafraid of defending her positions. 

There were two nominations in this category:

Emily/@emtucky nominated Cyndi/@RunRollRepeatC saying that "She always says what's on her mind, speaks the truth and is her true authentic self and doesn't let ANYONE deter her from doing so."

@DubyaWife nominated Tara/@Tidbits_of_Tara saying "Tara displays a unwavering strength that I can admire.  She is strong but also strong enough to know that no woman is immune to emotional upheaval. Her tenacity to carry on in life while discovering her inner-self is truly inspirational."

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The Iron Ovaries Award is in recognition of a woman who makes a man's testes want to hide because she is the epitome of strength, endurance, grit, and fearlessness.

The winner of the Iron Ovaries Award inspires others by taking on challenges with a courageous heart.  Her strength of character carries her through the day.  She might not always finish strong, but she always finishes. 

There was only one nomination in this category -- Emily/@FitandFreeEmily showed some love for Anda/@LeavingFatville saying "She's one of the strongest women I know. Always tells it straight, no chaser ;) She isn't afraid of saying what she wants and GOING for it."

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The Steel Ovaries Award is in recognition of the most exceptional woman among women.  She enriches all womanhood just by showing up.  She exhibits aspects of both Brass and Iron Ovaries. 

The winner of the Steel Ovaries Award is a leader among women.  She is proud to be a woman, and proud to be stronger than most men she knows.  She has seen adversity and risen above.  She endures. 

This category has three nominees:

Summer/@MILF_Squared nominated Valerie/@ValerieGail saying "Valerie is my mother. For my mom's birthday, I wrote up a post on my blog.  My mom is a truly exceptional woman. She is strong, fearless, smart and absolutely amazing. " 

The lovely Leslie/@BodyWontBreak showed some self-love: "I am open and honest on my blog with both my struggles and my successes. My blog follows my weight loss journey as well as the everyday adventures of my life. I feel like, with everything I have gone through and am going through, that I combine both brass and iron. I'm happy to share everything I am going through because I know it has the possibility of impacting someone else in a positive way and that is important to me."

And Sheanna/@sheannacaban tossed Rachael/@tweenyhair's name in the hat:  "She's a single mom that's running her own daycare business.  One of the best moms I know in the world (including me).  She's also one of the BEST friends I've ever known.  She volunteers in her church and donates her hair to locks of love.  She sends packages to soldiers in Afghanistan that she doesn't even know.  She's just always going out of her way for others.... Even when she recently had a breast cancer scare.  Luckily, she's fine.... Probably because of her steel ovaries."

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So I've been thinking about the challenge I posted for October #GoTheDist:


Every day we have a chance to make new choices and decide who we want to be.   We can stay on the path we're on, turn around and run away screaming, or try a new approach.

And yet somehow we always feel locked into our identity, completely forgetting how forgiving our sense of self/identity can be or that we lived through the formation of our identities in the first place (are you the same person you were in your HS yearbook?).  Just think about the person who can't see past their weight.  Think about how stuck they are in that identity.

We forget that our identities are as flexible ("characterized by a ready capability to adapt to new, different, or changing requirements") as they are malleable ("able to be hammered or pressed permanently out of shape without breaking or cracking") as they are resilient ("able to withstand or recover quickly from difficult conditions").

The catch is that it requires some extraordinary vision and a leap of faith:  in order to take on a new identity, we have to know how we want to look and have the courage to slough off our old identity (our armor) long enough to try on a new one.

I tweeted the other day:


I want to be that person. I really do.  I envision that person doesn't feel the same kind of struggle that I feel. 

So I'm going to try and take my own advice and (1) envision what it would be like to live that life and (2) have the confidence that if I act like that person that I'll still be okay, still be me.

My wanting to be a pretty pretty princess will just have to wait until I slay this dragon.

Read this if you have no idea what the heck I'm talking about:  October #GTD Announcement.
This month we might be small in numbers (only 25 participants, as compared to the 69 that did it last October), but we are mighty in results! 

I wanted to remind you about two mid-month posts last year in regards to the original challenge:

1.  Balance (quoting): 

First and foremost: you should NEVER feel guilty for listening to your body--even if it says "we need to sit this out for a week." If you are sick/injured, figure out how to get yourself better and then we'll worry about the miles, okay? #OctGTD, no matter how awesome it is, is not worth risking your health and well-being.


But has it ever crossed your mind that it's okay to come up short in the challenge? It's okay to not reach your mileage goal. It's okay to get to the end of the month and come up shy. This is the lesson we all have to learn: it is okay to set goals and make plans and not be able to complete them 100%.

2. Know Yourself (paraphrasing):

Know Your Body -- work with your body, not against it
Know Your Math -- know what the exercise "costs" your body
Know Your Fuel -- know how to payback that "cost"
Know Your Life -- make a plan before you take on a challenge and be flexible with it.

I also wanted to share with you the updates regarding the original October #GoTheDist crew.  The question was: "How are you and looking back, what did #OctGTD (now #GotheDist) do for you? Are you the same person you were a year ago?"

Dee Matt (@abtw85):

"I totally got off track for a few months along the way since then, but I do notice that I have been alot more self motivated to push myself further then I did prior to octgtd. I can't believe its been a year. I'm also at least 30+ lbs lighter :). I've learned to also limit myself on making excuses."


Vinny (@VinnySlavin):

"I am a lighter person than I was a year ago, that's for sure! Hopefully smarter and more informed as well."



Brigitte (@brigittemittler):

"Last October, I used the GTD to run a 10k.  I am doing that same 10k tomorrow as preparation for running my very first Half-Marathon later this month.  I have learned that pushing past your comfort zone can lead you to accomplish incredible things."


Robby (@fatgirlvsworld):

"I'm definitely not the same person.  Many challenges and hundreds of miles later, I'm no longer the same person.  I'm much stronger, and much more confident in my ability to achieve my goals.  Even if I don't reach the targets, I know that each month is a journey.  I have discovered my grit, found my fight, and am convinced that i made the change of a lifetime."

If you participated in the original challenge and want to add your thougts click on this link, find your name, and ruminate!

Okay, so I didn't kill a stranger, but just like the song, I knew I done something wrong.  On Sunday afternoon, I started to get a migraine that stayed with me for the next two days.  I didn't eat much (this didn't help) and tried to stay hydrated (with herbal iced tea).  Last night (Monday), I was finally hungry at 9:30 pm. What was I hungry for?
1506 calories total.  Each and every calorie a bad decision.

Was it emotional eating?  No.  It was apathetic eating.  It was there. It was easy. It was something I didn't have to cook.  And it was the first time in 24-hours that I had felt hungry for something specific (the fries).  I rationalized it as "well I haven't eaten anything (other than a few 20-calorie Wasa crackers) all day."

But, I realized that the same reasons for my eating this pile of crap was the same reason why people intentionally eat this stuff more than I do (this is the first time I've had fast food in 2011):  it's cheap, it's there, it's easy, it's fast.

It's also really wrong.  I know better.
I could have just as easily gone across the street (to Safeway) and got myself a premade sandwich.

And so while the title is "I hung my head" -- I'm really not.  I'm going to move forward, acknowledge my misstep, and get back on track.

....but man, those fries were tasty.

In my mom's last letter to me, she wrote:

Keep in mind: Women are NOT the "weaker sex"....as in unable to cope with life. If you take apart the word FEMALE into two parts, you get "FE-" (the abbreviation for IRON) and "MALE". Hmmm...Interesting concept: It seems to me, that composition would make us pretty darn strong...not necessarily physically stronger than a male...but, able to deal with most of the things that come our way in life. Perhaps, it is a very special inner strength we possess.

That, combined with my love of saying "oh my balls" or "oh my lady balls," and the fact that the female reproductive organs almost looks like someone flexing, brings us to the Lady Balls Awards!  More specifically, three levels of Lady Balls Awards:

The Brass Ovaries Award is in recognition of a woman who has a certain amount of chutzpah, swagger, or bravery.  When she walks, you hear her ovaries ring out with a certain "I am woman, hear me roar."

The winner of the Brass Ovaries Award says what is on her mind, stands behind what she says, and is unafraid of defending her positions.




The Iron Ovaries Award is in recognition of a woman who makes a man's testes want to hide because she is the epitome of strength, endurance, grit, and fearlessness.

The winner of the Iron Ovaries Award inspires others by taking on challenges with a courageous heart.  Her strength of character carries her through the day.  She might not always finish strong, but she always finishes.




The Steel Ovaries Award is in recognition of the most exceptional woman among women.  She enriches all womanhood just by showing up.  She exhibits aspects of both Brass and Iron Ovaries. 

The winner of the Steel Ovaries Award is a leader among women.  She is proud to be a woman, and proud to be stronger than most men she knows.  She has seen adversity and risen above.  She endures.