Somewhere in the moment between sleep and waking, I understood why I was afraid

(As an aside,  I think lots of my realization has to do with some of the posts Tara has been writing in the past month or two.)

So I laid down to take a nap this evening (stupid uterus, stupid brain), and as I'm drifting off to sleepyland, I begin to meditate on why I've had such a hard time getting back into my routine:  I knew that I wanted to give myself a bit of a break during the wedding so I could enjoy being there, and I did; I knew that I wanted to give myself a bit of a break after the wedding to find a more sustainable exercise routine and diet; and, I knew that this "vacation" was going to be a finite amount of time.

While I have made a plan to get back into the swing of things, my actions are not consistent with those plans.

After 8 months of food logging (Feb-Sept) and being dedicated to my food plan, I backed off of food logging in October.  I'd like to say there was noble intent in there (such as to prove to myself that I could trust my hunger and my food choices), but I think it was more that I knew I had HUGE deficits, wasn't eating enough to fuel my 3500-4000 calorie burns, and felt like a bit of a hypocrite telling people the importance of food logging while not doing it myself.  More recently, though, my food choices haven't have been as meticulous.  I'm not binging, I'm not emotional eating, but I am letting my stomach be the guide.  If a hamburger sounds right to my stomach, I'll give my stomach a really good hamburger.  I even bought a half gallon of ice cream and it's in my freezer now.  **Gasps**  (And while I'm not logging, I feel like I'm eating a more balanced, healthy diet over all.  It looks and feels much different than the diet from a year ago.)

In September I ran 100 miles.  In October I ran 120 miles.  So far in November I've run 10 miles.  Granted these are 10 miles I would have never run a year ago, but it represents 2 days in the gym out of 17 days in the month.  I wear my BodyMediaFit device, but it's beginning to feel neglected.  "Oh, another Basal Metabolic Rate day, eh? Sure you don't want to go for a walk or something?"

Nope. I've pretty much been hibernating for the past 2 weeks.

So what gives?

Since this is my place to be honest, I have no choice to be honest:  I was petrified.

I forget where, but I saw a blurb that it's harder to keep weight off if you've always been overweight/obese than if you were thin, gained weight, and then lost it.  I don't know how true this is but it has been festering in the back of my mind.

I knew just how hard I worked to lose the most recent 29lbs (from February to November 1). I remembered the sweat and the miles and the feeling like I was going to die in a gym and I said to myself "WELL FUCK THAT NOISE."

Yep, there was a moment there when I wanted to abandon all of this.  I loved the compliments from people who hadn't seen me in a decade, but the other half of me was just so wrapped up in my own personal drama of "I really thought I'd be further along than this."  I doubted my commitment, my motivation, my intentions, everything. 

Deep in the heart of all this doubt was a whole lot of fear.  I was afraid I couldn't keep up the level of intensity.  I was afraid of what my life would have to look like to reach my goal weight.  I was afraid that I'd get to my goal weight and think it was not enough.  I mean, when I was first setting my goals with my dietitian, we set my goal weigh at 170-175lbs.  Going from 199 to 188 was exhausting.  I was afraid of what it would take to go from 188 to 175.  I am afraid that if I get to 175 and still have belly fat that I will feel hopeless.

But as soon as I addressed this fear about maintaining all of the new habits I created, about having the psychological and physical fortitude to keep on this path the fears loosened their grip a little.  I haven't figured this all out, but I know beyond a shadow of a doubt, I don't ever want to be where I was a year ago.