FatGirl vs World

#NovGTD Update:
Are you updating your #NovGTD mileage? There are lots of gaps/holes in the spreadsheet. It'd be great if you could enter your miles (even if it's 0) just so I know you're still with us!

Consider answering the GTD wrap-up questions in your own blog. Leave a comment here or send me an email if you want me to add a link to your comments.

I've asked one of #NovGTD's most chatty participants, and one of GTD's newest members, @CannyMonkey, to write a guest post to wrap-up #NovGTD.  Look for that on December 1.

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How to join #DecGTD:

1. Click on THIS LINK (bookmarking it would be a good idea as you will be using it often)
2. Fill out a line on the "Summary" spreadsheet (do not use columns G or H -- I'll take care of those) Use separate lines if you want to do different modalities (i.e. one for running, one for biking)
3. Find your correlating individual tab (it should be "@[line number where you entered your info]") -- make sure your information from the "Summary" tab has been pulled onto this sheet (and not someone else's information -- if so, contact me).
4. Rename the tab "@[twitter name]" or if you don't have Twitter "@[nickname]"
5. Fill out the sheet as you wish -- including dates of drs appointments, goals, and eventually mileage, ounces of water, servings of fruit/veg, and how you feel.
6. Update your own individual page as needed. The total mileage will automatically be updated on the Summary tab as you report on your individual page.
7. Follow #DecGTD on Twitter for support if you need it or to support others when they do, to announce achievements, and find new/old friends!
8. PLEASE DO NOT DELETE LINES OR TABS!

Thanks to everyone who has Gone the Distance.  I hope it has been as meaningful for you as it has been for me!

So the pie:  the crust was great, but I didn't use enough corn starch.  It's okay. I just drained the pie once I cut into it.  Future attempts will bear this in mind.

I know that family reads this blog, so the following may not be the most appropriate entry, but since this is my place to be honest I'm letting it fly.

There is no reason or excuse to use another person to make yourself feel better or more comfortable.  There is no reason to hurt another person just so you have something to add to a conversation.


A little backstory:  I used to be a heinous bitch until 18 or so.  After my nana died, and later after my mother died, I had trouble expressing most of my emotions.  The only emotion I had that was easy to express was anger.  I did anger real well.  I would pick fights with my father.  I would pick fights with my brother.  I realize looking back at those times, it wasn't because I was actually angry, but it was the only way I could express my sadness or grief outside of myself.  I could be sad or grieving alone, but my brother or father wouldn't interact with that emotion, but they would interact with my anger.  I could feel something and feel those emotions either being validated or challenged.

When I got to college and started reading about Buddhism, I made a conscious choice to (try to) not be angry.  I realized that I was the only one being hurt by my anger. I couldn't give it to other people to deal with.  It would fester in me (as most negative emotions do) until it was unmanagable.  I learned techniques to manage my anger.  One of those techniques was to acknowledge it right when it happens.  50% of it was realizing that the world wasn't the way I'd run the show.  The other half was calling people on how they treated me.

Suffice it to say, I'm not such a heinous bitch anymore.  However, I find that sometimes my brother and father still act like I am.  With my father he doesn't realize that I can talk about a problem calmly and rationally.  My brother just has a very hands-off relationship with me. The result is not just anger (that the world/my family isn't the way I want it to be) but a whole lot of fear that I'll be alone in the world. 

This Thanksgiving my father was picking fights with me because he was socially awkward.  First he took a giant dump on one of my favorite holiday memories (did it need to be said? did it need to be said in that context? did it need to be said to my brother's fiance's mother, who my father had just met for the first time?).  Second, he picked a fight over something trivial -- trying to tell me that I was wrong for suggesting an opera singer sang something in Turkish (I studied opera, and actually attended the performance).  Then at the end of the night he woke up at 10 and said "We're going home" and got all pissy as I was trying to say goodbyes and pack up all of the food/china that I brought.

I spent most of the night trying to defend myself or trying to prove that I'm not some disrespectful, petulant child to my brother's future in-laws.  I was more than a bit annoyed that my brother didn't help defend me (I know I don't need defending, but my father will often listen to my brother and not to me).

So on Friday/Saturday I went into a little bit of a tailspin.  I ate everything in sight.  In the moments I wasn't full of pie, I tried to at least figure out what was going on.  Why had this all hurt me so much?  What I came up with was that I was hurt that my brother says he wants to be a family guy but doesn't take the time to tend to his own family, and that my father says that my brother and I are the most important people to him and yet he can treat us so badly.

My dad and I spent time together on Friday and we tried to clear the air about what happened on Thursday.  I told him that he can say everything he wants to say, but that he should pay more attention to being skillful in how he says it.  I also pointed out to him that when he's feeling uncomfortable, it's not okay to use me as a punchline or a crutch.  I don't like it when he uses me to draw attention away from himself (later that night he made a joke to a waitress about me and I pointed it out to him... obviously this will take a while for him to grasp). 

As for my brother, I don't know what to do or say.  I can't force him to want to have a relationship with me or a relationship with my brother.  I can stop trying so hard, or stop getting so upset when he doesn't respond to my emails, calls, or txt msgs.  I am happy for him that he has found someone that he loves and wants to build a family with.  I'm just sad that he can't show the same enthusiasm for his own family -- that in his mind we're still the same people from many years ago.

So as many people on Twitter and Facebook reminded me (thank you all very much) there are people in my life who want to have healthy relationships with me.  I'm going to try and focus on those relationships and nurture them.  There is so much goodness in my life that sometimes it's hard for me to manage it all.  Isn't that a wonderful problem to have?

Check out my post on Thanksgiving over on the "Me Movement" Blog. [2019 Edit: this link no longer works]

And yes, the post is about pie.

<-- my apple pie, which will hopefully be consumed as the ApplePiecalypse 2010 winner (versus my father's pie)

In my last post I said that I "invited Mara to tea."

I think I should explain that a little better.  There are many versions of the story, and I'm going to paraphrase a bunch, so just stick with me.

Mara is the Buddhist demon personification of doubt, fear, temptation, etc... i.e. all of the things that bring about suffering.  While Siddhartha Guatama was under the bodhi tree trying to seek enlightenment, Mara did his best to distract Siddhartha from his spiritual journey.  But each time Siddhartha was able to push back against Mara's forces and continue on his path.  It wasn't until Siddhartha metaphorically jumped in Mara's mouth (i.e. met fear head-on) that Mara realized he had no power over Siddhartha.  This is when he became the Buddha.

The Buddha then went out into the world to share his experiences and teach people how to find enlightenment.  Sometimes he would see Mara in the distance in the same form of doubt, fear, temptation and instead of trying to fight Mara, the Buddha would wisely invite Mara to sit beside him, pouring a glass of tea for his guest.  The Buddha wouldn't let Mara distract him from the task at hand, but he would acknowledge his presence.

I guess this is what I'm trying to say.  It's okay to be fearful. It's okay to have doubts and temptations, but they only cripple you when you try to fight them.  Work with your fears and they enable you to achieve more than you would have expected.

So I admit my fears.  I realize that I was scared (and misguided).  I thought I'd have to run every day and eat rabbit food for the rest of my life.  In the two weeks that I've slacked off (haven't really been to the gym, but still staying on track with a moderate/balanced diet), the scale only shows a 3lb gain -- and that was weighing myself at 4pm, after having eaten lunch (it could also be from my period or just water weight).  Either way it doesn't mean I have failed in any way.

I didn't lose 29lbs over night. I won't put them back on over night.
Talk to anyone who has lost weight and this is their fear -- undoing the work. But admitting that you're afraid doesn't mean you're weak. It just means you're human.

(As an aside,  I think lots of my realization has to do with some of the posts Tara has been writing in the past month or two.)

So I laid down to take a nap this evening (stupid uterus, stupid brain), and as I'm drifting off to sleepyland, I begin to meditate on why I've had such a hard time getting back into my routine:  I knew that I wanted to give myself a bit of a break during the wedding so I could enjoy being there, and I did; I knew that I wanted to give myself a bit of a break after the wedding to find a more sustainable exercise routine and diet; and, I knew that this "vacation" was going to be a finite amount of time.

While I have made a plan to get back into the swing of things, my actions are not consistent with those plans.

After 8 months of food logging (Feb-Sept) and being dedicated to my food plan, I backed off of food logging in October.  I'd like to say there was noble intent in there (such as to prove to myself that I could trust my hunger and my food choices), but I think it was more that I knew I had HUGE deficits, wasn't eating enough to fuel my 3500-4000 calorie burns, and felt like a bit of a hypocrite telling people the importance of food logging while not doing it myself.  More recently, though, my food choices haven't have been as meticulous.  I'm not binging, I'm not emotional eating, but I am letting my stomach be the guide.  If a hamburger sounds right to my stomach, I'll give my stomach a really good hamburger.  I even bought a half gallon of ice cream and it's in my freezer now.  **Gasps**  (And while I'm not logging, I feel like I'm eating a more balanced, healthy diet over all.  It looks and feels much different than the diet from a year ago.)

In September I ran 100 miles.  In October I ran 120 miles.  So far in November I've run 10 miles.  Granted these are 10 miles I would have never run a year ago, but it represents 2 days in the gym out of 17 days in the month.  I wear my BodyMediaFit device, but it's beginning to feel neglected.  "Oh, another Basal Metabolic Rate day, eh? Sure you don't want to go for a walk or something?"

Nope. I've pretty much been hibernating for the past 2 weeks.

So what gives?

Since this is my place to be honest, I have no choice to be honest:  I was petrified.

I forget where, but I saw a blurb that it's harder to keep weight off if you've always been overweight/obese than if you were thin, gained weight, and then lost it.  I don't know how true this is but it has been festering in the back of my mind.

I knew just how hard I worked to lose the most recent 29lbs (from February to November 1). I remembered the sweat and the miles and the feeling like I was going to die in a gym and I said to myself "WELL FUCK THAT NOISE."

Yep, there was a moment there when I wanted to abandon all of this.  I loved the compliments from people who hadn't seen me in a decade, but the other half of me was just so wrapped up in my own personal drama of "I really thought I'd be further along than this."  I doubted my commitment, my motivation, my intentions, everything. 

Deep in the heart of all this doubt was a whole lot of fear.  I was afraid I couldn't keep up the level of intensity.  I was afraid of what my life would have to look like to reach my goal weight.  I was afraid that I'd get to my goal weight and think it was not enough.  I mean, when I was first setting my goals with my dietitian, we set my goal weigh at 170-175lbs.  Going from 199 to 188 was exhausting.  I was afraid of what it would take to go from 188 to 175.  I am afraid that if I get to 175 and still have belly fat that I will feel hopeless.

But as soon as I addressed this fear about maintaining all of the new habits I created, about having the psychological and physical fortitude to keep on this path the fears loosened their grip a little.  I haven't figured this all out, but I know beyond a shadow of a doubt, I don't ever want to be where I was a year ago.

There are countless ways of attaining greatness, but any road to reaching one's maximum potential must be built on a bedrock of respect for the individual, a commitment to excellence, and a rejection of mediocrity.

Thank you for all the love and support over the past week while I've gotten down on myself and felt like a failure (especially so soon after a triumph).  I can't promise that I won't take out the tiny violin at some future point, but for now it's back in its case. 

And while I hate to hear it coming from other people, there's some comfort in knowing that I'm not the only one who slips up, loses sight of the journey, or has to fight some demons. 

I have read over and over again the statistic regarding weight loss, for example:

• people that lose 1-2lbs a week are most likely to keep it off
• people that food log are most likely to keep it off

And while those two statistics are something I hold true and central to my successes, I also hold all of you in that same place.  Every time I've felt like I can't go on, you've help me push myself a little further. Anytime I was feeling self-indulgent and sorry for myself, you've reminded me that it's worth letting go of the past. And every time I've had a victory, on or off the scale, you've been there to cheer me on.  So, I want to dedicate this to you.  I know I have a long way to go still, but I know I'm not going it by myself.


You'll Never Walk Alone 
(each line of title/lyric is a link to a different version of the song, but the link in the title and the video below are two of my favorites, mainly because they're so simple and straightforwardly sung)



When you walk through a stormhold your head up high
And don't be afraid of the dark.
At the end of a storm is a golden sky
And the sweet silver song of a lark.
Walk on through the wind,
Walk on through the rain,
Tho' your dreams be tossed and blown.
Walk on, walk on with hope in your heart
And you'll never walk alone,
You'll never walk alone.

+5lb gain over the past week
At least I had lots of fun at the wedding.

Reasons for the gain:
1. not a lot of activity (I was in a car a lot)
2. only got to the gym once at the hotel
3. didn't eat enough fruit & veg
4. didn't drink enough water
5. drank too much alcohol
6. didn't sleep enough
(7. PMS weight retention?)

But now that I know the reasons, and these are things I can fix (and/or aren't part of my regular life), I think the 5lbs knows they won't be hanging around too long.

When it comes to the "Me Movement," I'm a bit of a cheater.

Okay.... I need to take a step back and explain things a little bit better:



For my health and wellness, I want to put myself first this holiday season. This year will be different. I’ve made (and broken) unrealistic New Year’s “resolutions” before and this year I won’t need to repeat the cycle. I am going to take care of myself during this busy (sometimes hectic) time. If that means asking for help, saying “no”, or scheduling “down time,” I will do it. I’m done being overcommitted. 

• I pledge to remember how good it feels when I’m taking care of myself. And when I feel good, I am able to take better care of those I love.
• I pledge to keep in mind that social situations are about the companionship, as much as the delicious food and drinks. I want to enjoy foods that look and taste good while respecting my body’s “fullness” and “satisfied” signals. I won’t judge myself if I ate “too much” of the holiday foods that don’t come around that often.
• I pledge to stay in tune with what my body needs, whether that’s food, rest, exercise, or sleep. 

So yeah...

(1) after all that work, I look at the pictures and see just how much more there is to be done.  Deep down I know I have come so far.  I really really do.  I just thought I'd look so much better.  There's still the part of me who sees the photos and feels like a failure.

(2) After the past year+ of blogging, the last 9 months or so of working with my dietitian, and the last 3 months of intensive workouts, I'm kinda burned out and want to take a few weeks to re-group.  It's disorienting to have to find new motivation.

(3) I totally went off the meal plan for the wedding weekend (it's okay, it's not like I was binging, just wasn't being mindful).  I then came home and have spent the past 2 days feeling completely insatiable and eating everything in sight (luckily there wasn't much in my apartment that wasn't isn't healthy in moderation, and slightly nauseating in excess).  I need to get back to food logging because that at least made it less about emotions and more about numbers.

(4) I've redone the plan.  As it now reads (with some holdovers from the original plan):
--continue good habits re mindful eating (food log)
--balanced exercise routine (strength, cardio, flexibility)
--practice self care, good care of cats
--plan a vacation for 2011
--put heart on the line, trust its strength
--volunteer more regularly
--finish what is started
--be more organized (food plans, schedules, finances, apt)
--Long term goal:  180lbs by Jan. 1, 2010

(5) The sad confession? I ate 1/4 cup of white whipped icing right from the tub.  I felt sick after eating it. I felt disappointed in myself for doing something so impulsive.  I hated the fact that I knew it was all sugar and hydrogenated oil.  But I'm glad I threw the rest of the tub out.  It's just not worth keeping around.

I just wanted to let you know that I'll be doing some guest posting at The Nurture Principles "Me Movement" Blog over the next month or two... [2019 Edit: Link no longer works]

I highly recommend bookmarking it or adding it to your gReader (though, I admit I am very biased).

It's so odd to think that all the wedding preparations are over.

My journey really began in August 2009 when Nancy asked me to be her bridesmaid.  It picked up speed when Nancy showed us the dresses we would be wearing.

It was so worth it to (1) stand next to my best friend and support her as she took on a husband and became a wife and (2) to hear that all of my work really paid off and that I looked good in the dress.


It'll take a while for me to wrap my head around things and get back into the swing of blogging (and catch up on my gReader).  But i just wanted to thank all of you for your love and support as I have tried to get my life in order.

To all of my #OctGTD participants:  I'm sooo very proud of you, and so very touched that you decided to go on this journey with me. I'm also jazzed to see so many of you not only want a #NovGTD, but already signed up on the self-reporting spreadsheet (i.e. no need to send me emails, just go back on the spreadsheet and enter your mileage for each period (Nov. 1-9, Nov. 10-16, Nov. 17-23, and Nov. 24-30).

I wanted to have someone else's thoughts close up this month, passing the torch if you will.  I'm honored to introduce Vinny (of Fat to Fit Diary), my friend and fellow #OctGTD participant.  He's not only a huge inspiration to me but also a great support during the times when I'm being mental.  Without further ado --

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October has come and gone and so has OctGTD (October Going the Distance). This was not so much a way for us to challenge each other, but a way to challenge ourselves, and I must say at least for me, it worked. I found myself rooting people on to complete their goals as others pushed me to finish mine. It was great to see a large portion of the fit blogging community helping each other out.

I set the bar high for myself, pushing for a whopping 100 miles on the treadmill in the month. For those who don’t know me, seven months ago I couldn’t even walk for twenty minutes straight I was so out of shape. So to think I could trek 100 miles in a month was a pretty aggressive goal for me. So, when I put together my final numbers and realized I came up about 7 miles short, I was a bit disappointed to say the least. I really wanted to complete that 100 mile goal. Then it hit me, I just walked and ran 92.8 miles in a month! In one month I walked/ran double the distance of Rhode Island from north to south. There is no reason to be down about that. I could have sat at home for the month of October and filled my face with food, but instead I walk double the length of a state! If you had said to me seven months ago that I would log that many miles in a month, I would have laugh at you and went back to eating my double cheeseburger. I may not have hit my aggressive goal, but I sure as hell set a personal record, and that’s what OctGTD was all about.

There was great deal of people who took on this challenge. Some of them hit their goals and others didn’t, but one thing they all had in common was they all tried. They all got off their asses and pushed themselves to do something out of their comfort zone. For that I say to them, congratulations!

OctGDT was a huge success in my eyes, and I want to thank Fat Girl vs. World for giving us the chance to challenge ourselves. I also want to thank her for giving me the opportunity to guest post on her blog; it has been a true pleasure.

-Vinny

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Patrick's final thoughts (@Rspnsblty199)
Steph's final thoughts (@stephmiller)
Simon's final thoughts (@cyclingsi)
Carrie's final thoughts (@CarrieSinCA)
Mertle's final thoughts
Brigitte's final thoughts (@brigittemittler)