T-Minus.... and counting....

Robbie,

I'm so glad that you made this correlation!

Things in response:
1) A very good friend of mine (who is 33) met and married a man (they live in DC) because he said that he couldn't find the same kind of thing that you're looking for. They're out there. Statistically, they have to be, right?

2) STDs are prevalent, but herpes and HPV aren't ones to get all twisted up about. In France, it's no big deal for either one. If you're safe and get tested (both of you) after you're monogomous and before you're fluid bonded, you're MUCH less likely to contract something. Until then, be safe and your risks are low.

3) I don't know your money situation, but consider going on a paid dating site instead of OKCupid. In my opinion, you get what you pay for...and the guys that are not willing to pay seem to be looking for one thing...that being to end your celibacy. :)

4) You are phenomenal, beautiful, and totally a catch. Guys will figure that out - unless they're stupid. And if they're stupid, you'll be bored with them soon enough. Don't take this the wrong way, but you seem to be a bit defensive or prickly. Open yourself up, be vulnerable and get your feelings hurt if you have to. If you can teach yourself to soften up and trust openly (not saying be stupid about it, but you know...) you might be surprised at all of the sweet nice guys that fit what you really want. If you can, distance yourself from your thoughts in parentheses. Trust and believe that someone will come along who will get that you're great - someone too good to pass up.

Do not worry! After losing 200 pounds, guys also look at me as just a friend.

Thank bejezzzus my wife does not!

Hmmm...honestly I don't know what you say, but I feel I can offer some kind of wisdom here somehow...

See I went the other way-I treated men like dirt and used them for whatever I wanted, not getting attached. That was my way to control, and to also ensure that I was never the one holding the bag of feelings.

In this manner I was able to turn my addictive personality on it's ear, by making sex less of a treat and more of just a common thing that could or didn't have to happen. I brought it down off it's pedestal.

You should have control, but maybe what you are trying to control, as you say, is less about sex itself and more about not being screwed over or getting close to anyone that could hurt you.

I recommend a better dating site, and I am almost sure there is one out there for celibates. But honestly, and I am sure you will hate this cliche, the right one will show up when you least expect it...

Polar's Mom
www.polarspage.blogspot.com

I understand being constantly in the friend zone... at 120-odd kilos, I tried that dating thing, and on paper I seem like every guys dream girl... I love football, motorracing, and I'm an engineer for gods sake...
And then the breakdown when the photos came. How pathetic!!

I'd gotten to a point where I was happy in myself. I loved myself, and I was alone!! Me and my dogs...
Lo and behold, not 6 months before I had the realisation that making myself happy was the most important, I met a guy.
The guy who chased me no matter how cold I was. The guy that was PETRIFIED of dogs yet still came to my house and petted her when she said hello (read: barked SO loudly she scared the crap out of him, she's an Alsation cross, lol).

Things will happen when things are well and truly ready, I've learned. Just be prepared when it comes.

And don't be surprised (or suspicious) when a guy does find you attractive. It's much more fun to pretend it's genuine until proven otherwise!!

<3

My story is like Jess's - when I decided to really be happy being me and had in my mind a lot of things that I wouldnt compromise on, that's when I met my husband.

I did force myself hard on the dating sites - I pushed the online chat stuff off and gave myself a target of a number of people to meet in a certain timeframe, with a goal of making some new friends, refining my online criteria and getting a few good stories out of the deal. Because I was focused on the in-person dates I met people I would have maybe passed on - one became a good friend (no "love match" connection but we connected on other levels) and I have 3 good stories out of the deal (one of which is sad, 2 are funny).

My goal was to get to 10 in real life dates with different people (repeat dates didn't count) and once I hit 10 I would re-evalute being on the site. My husband was number 7 - never got to 10...

There are so many topics within this overall post. Here is the one that is bouncing around in my head now... relationships are distracting. Whether casual, deeply intimate or somewhere in between; they will distract you from the life you have set yourself up in at present. And that is not a bad thing, or it need not be. That is, as long as you are Ok with the distraction.

Distraction I believe is the right word, I almost just altered it and replaced it with teh word 'change'. If you have a desire for being with someone else, you need to choose to the level of 'togetherness' that you are comfortable with. And this is tricky because the other person needs to do the same and the two desires do not always mesh.

I tend to try and make the complex things in life simple, you may have a sense of this from following my blog, for I find it helps me determine what the right decision is for me. Love, and all that comes with it; is very complex. And even when simplified, it is challenging to accept the risks.

Are the rewards worth the risks? Well, only you can answer that. A zillion doctors will sell a zillion books with a recipe for all to follow and expect the same result; hogwash; but none of them. Listen to your heart, your soul, and trust you know what is right for you. What is right for you now, celebacy; may not be next week, month or year. But if you are good with it now, good for you. Just understand you may not be tomorrow and that is Ok, it is Ok to change and do so when your heart tells you it is ok.

Ugh, I think I butchered what I meant but I am 5 minutes late to a meeting now as it is.

You Rock!

i loved this post and really resonated with a lot of what you said. i met my partner on match.com, but only after years of celibacy/looking around/not feeling worthy/fighting with myself between being too scared and being lonely, etc.

i'm tempted to ask: what kind of guy are you looking for? i have a close friend in your area (fairfax) and he is totally not like the guys you mentioned meeting all the time. 35, 6'2", poet/writer and he likes cats! :o) but then, you don't know me from adam so..... ha!

email me if you want! losinghalfmyweight@gmail.com and i can at least introduce you via email if you're interested. :o)

and i can't believe i just said all that, but hey, stranger things have happened!

jayme

I don't even know where to start. How about some background on me first and see where I end up. First, I'm a big guy. 6 foot, 230-ish pounds. I eat when I'm bored and when I'm stressed. I've started exercising on a regular basis and love the changes I've seen in the past year or two. My wife (and mother of my children) of 10+ years is my best friend. I love her deeply and madly. And it's because of that love that I don't care how much she weighs. Scratch that. I do care. I've just learned to deal with it better.

When it comes to sex, it sucks. It has been, is, and probably will be one of my biggest regrets in life. That is, not finding a mate that likes what I do in the bedroom. Don't get me wrong, I'm not into the whips and chains and stuff, I'm just a normal guy (well, I think I'm normal - who knows, I've never asked another guy). I like sex. I like women. I like sex with women. The more sex the better.

So lack of sex leads me to depression. Which leads me to eat. Which leads to more depression. But as I've set out to turn my life around, my eating habits, my emotional habits, etc. As I try to "fix" myself, I've learned to overcome the lack of sex. It hasn't been quite the stretch you have, but sometimes I wonder if it would be better to just not have sex. I mean, once a month may sound great to you, it may fill your needs, but not for me. I need more, I want more.

So I put myself into therapy. I exercise. I set goals for myself. I make plans to better myself. And in the process I leave my wife behind. She's still larger than I'd like her to be but I still think she's sexy. I know what she's like inside (in both meanings) and I'm comfortable with that. I love her skinny or fat, I'd just prefer skinny.

I have no idea what you look like. I don't know if you're "my type" or not. But the simple fact that you put yourself out there (as in out here where everyone can read about you) shows you have confidence. To me, that's just as attractive as if you posted a photo of you in a bikini. You know what you want. You'll get it. It may take time. It may take some sacrifice (i.e. broken hearts). But you'll get it.

Think of it like losing weight. Did you lose 5 pounds in a day? No. It took hard work. It took sweat, tears, and maybe some blood. You made a plan, followed it, fell off, got back on, etc. Don't give up hope.

As an aside, I'm remaining anonymous because I have a hard time dealing with my lack of sex. I have nobody to talk to about it. No friends close enough I can share something so personal with. So instead, I'm dumping it here with you. I read your blog on a regular basis. You inspire me in so many ways and this post is just one more that shows me that while things could be worse, they'll eventually get better.

So much thoughtfulness here. It's beautiful. Good for you for wanting to change for the better.
I found you on Twitter and am now checking out your blog. Am glad I am! :)

First time reader, w/r/t point 4, I'm reading a book right now that you might enjoy, non-fiction called "Unhooked." About the current hook-up culture, focusing on young women in HS and college (including at GW in DC). If you're interested, see if your library has it. Author is Stepp, who's won a Pulitzer.

I was single at 29 and don't think it's anything to stress about, but meeting more people is always good.

This is really nice! Very inspiring.