Ruminations

When I began this blog a little over a year ago, I knew I had something to say. I just didn't know what. I only knew it started with defending myself.  I had grown tired of people thinking that I was lazy, unmotivated, or lacked control because I was fat. 

I started this blog as a way to plant the flag in the sand and reclaim my own feelings toward and about my body.  I wanted to tell them that it wasn't about being lazy, unmotivated, or lacking control.  I wanted people to see that I hadn't been programmed correctly to care for my body. I wanted them to see how much I have fought back since having a serious back injury.

Rather, I really should say that I needed to remind myself of those things, and gather the momentum to fight back.  And so I've recorded my highs and lows of this journey.  And I've been lucky to find people fighting the good fight (i.e. putting in the hard work).  I've found a community trying to find their collective voice.

I think I know what we've all been trying to say in one way or another:  "I work damn hard at being fat."  I'm not talking about what got us to our highest weights, I'm talking about all the hard work we put in to changing our lives and our bodies for the better and we are still considered to be "fat" by many (and worse, sometimes we still even see ourselves as being the same fat, unhealthy person).

We log our food, we log our miles, we log our emotions.  We know ourselves now to be stronger, more capable, and more in tune with our emotions than ever before, and yet we are still "Overweight" or "Obese."  It's Okay. It really is.

Our focus shouldn't be on the outer world, especially when our inner world is changing so much. 

In other words, really listen to that voice that wants to tell anyone off who gets in the way of your taking care of yourself.  Okay, so my legs are hairy when I go to the gym because I didn't want to take a shower before AND after working out.  Okay, so I can't run on the ground or on the treadmill, but I can run on the elliptical all day long (okay, maybe 3 hours max without needing to refuel/restretch).  Trying to justify yourself to anyone other than yourself will only distance yourself from your goals.

There just comes a point when you focus more on what you are doing than what you either can't do or what you wish you could do.  The focus point is straight ahead.  And like me, dear reader, you are staring it down and making it shake it its little focal point boots.