Veering Off Course

In list format:

1. I often say "I have a case of the stabbies" -- what does that mean? Well in reference to my uterus, the stabbies are either (a) a hemorrhagic ovarian cyst (b) painful cramps or (c) something else that feels like a large kitchen knife residing where it shouldn't be.

2. I've had a case of the stabbies for the past week (consisting of c then b stabbies)

3. My back is still hurting me.  (and I wouldnt' be able to make it through the day at work without my Nada Chair)

4. I've not been to the gym since August 11th, and my step count is around 6,000-8,000 painful, hunched-over steps a day.  And no, life doesn't stop just because I'm in pain. My #1 fear right now is that I won't be able to get back into the gym, that I'll regain the weight, and ultimately I will need to have surgery. That scares the bejeebus out of me. And I'm pretty fearless. Doctors can offer me 3 things: medications (I try not to use them); epidural steroids (make the rest of my body more prone to injury, causes weight gain); or surgery (could fail, could cause more injury to surrounding muscles, long effing recovery).

5. All this put together means that I'm in a funk, and feeling a bit (a) sorry for myself and (2) depressed.  Which means.... my diet has gone to shit.  Last night for dinner I had the Fiber One version of PopTarts. A serving is 1 pastry/190 calories (half a packet).  I had 4 pastries. For a grand total of 760 calories.  And I was well under my caloric target because I hadn't eaten much that day other than a bowl of oatmeal and a salad.

6. Why haven't I been eating?  When I have the stabbies, I am often nauseated.  Because I'm all vomity, I go between not wanting to eat for fear of vomiting and eating crap because it's (a) not long for my stomach or (b) it's the only thing I'm interested in.  ((and this vomity feeling makes grocery shopping impossible!))  Then there's also the fun of migraine headaches (barometric cause -- i.e. weather) that make me nauseated.  It sucks because other than these two things, I have pretty much an iron-clad gut.

7. The end result is that I don't dare go near a scale because I know that even if I've lost weight, I'd feel bad about it because it wasn't through proper nutrition and exercise, and if I've gained weight, I'd feel even worse because I'm all decrepit.

8. I also retreat into myself.  It's not that I actively push people away, it's just that I'm 75% hermit.  I have to force myself to be social sometimes.  I have friends/coworkers I normally talk to every day and I just haven't talked to them.  I kinda know the reason why but I don't really know how to say it.  Suffice it to say, I go home at night and crawl into bed and just hope this will all be over soon.

9. I never did find the hot, sexy man-tendants to either carry my litter around DC or to clean my apartment/do my chores.  Being single sucks when you're sick.  No one to kiss your forehead and tell you it'll all be okay.  Okay, there might be people to do that, but no one you believe.