But about the content... for as much as I hate being a pity party, or try not to seek validation from anyone but myself, what I wrote was true to what I was feeling at the moment, so it stays. That journalistic integrity strikes again!
I was thinking about it while I was showering (where all my best thinking happens) and I think one of the reasons why I'm so frustrated is that when a person sees you, they don't know your past or the future you're aiming for. They see you in one moment of time and make a judgment based on that. In other words, they don't know the journey.
When a guy sees me in a bar, he doesn't know I used to weigh 240 lbs, be an obsessive skin picker, and wear braces. He just sees someone that's 198lbs, has okay skin, and okay teeth (that need to be whitened, as I'm not a fan of their color).
The second reason I think I am embarrassed is that I'm so guilty of it as well. While I (rightly?) shoot down some men (like married ones, or ones in relationships) I often don't let guys get out the first sentence before I know whether I'm interested or not. Case-in-point? Old guys, bald guys, short guys, and blue collar guys seem to love me. And I'm judging them b/c I like guys close to my age, with some hair, that are tall (aren't they fun to climb?) and that are wickedly smart (I want to be able to learn and grow with someone).
I really don't want to be known as self-centered, superficial, and/or judgmental. That's not what I expect of myself. So comes another "New Rule."
Let's first rehash the old ones:
1. Leave No One Behind -- if someone asks for help, give it.
2. I will do no harm to my body.
3. I will not think badly when I look at myself in the mirror.
4. I will not judge someone without recognizing the journey they are on first.
So that leads me to a question: What do you want people to notice about you before they make up their minds?
15 comments
So this is interesting to me on many levels:
Reply1. To answer your question: I want people to see WHO I am, NOT what I look like. Funny, smart, supportive, loving, strong...
2. I feel like guys, especially, looked at that more when I was heavy. I got lower quantity, but higher quality. While sure, it's nice and flattering to have guys ask for my number and for cute boys to buy me drinks...all they want to do is sleep with me because of how I LOOK. It has nothing to do with WHO I am. It's almost a 'grass is greener' situation because it feels like motives need to be questioned now. Why are you coming up to me? Why are you expressing interest?
It's all frustrating.
1. Don't forget that you're also a sexy beast! I think that is part of who you are. You are your sauciness!
Reply2. I think I've always been wary of someone's intentions (http://fatgirlvsworld.blogspot.com/2010/01/familiar-situation.html). I know that it's empty flattery to have a guy approach me at a bar and hit on me... but I'd like to experience that.
I also find that I'm getting neither quality nor quantity. So there's that too. Single for waaaay too long. Robby needs love too.
Thank goodness for Nibbles, Jack, and Spike, right?
So I don't really care what people think so much any more. I mean, of course I want to be liked, but I guess I see it as a way to weed out the duds.
ReplyMy dad HATES the way I look. He doesn't like the color of my hair or my weight. For the record, he also thinks Beyonce' is too big. My dad, at 66, balding, and with a paunch MAY have just a tad too high expectations. But he's a jerk in a lot of ways - and he would be a jerk to almost anyone else that was heavy. I always thought that that was how all guys felt about bigger girls.
THEN I talked with some of my co-workers (I work with almost all guys) and two of them (and this was totally not asked for) started saying why they wouldn't date me. Nice, I know. One said it's because I have red hair and the other said it's because I laugh too loud.
Two REALLY dumb reasons. But I realized that if they would turn down a lot of happiness and all the great things about me because of those two things, then they're not the kind of people I'd want to be with anyway. You know, judgemental and douchie. AND it made me think that maybe that's why other people passed on me too - for stupid reasons that had NOTHING to do with my weight.
Besides, it's okay to want what you want. If you prefer taller guys (as do I) that's great. Maybe that's a hard and fast rule and maybe it's something that you're flexible on. Maybe you'll always have that rule and maybe you won't. The same thing can be said about a guy that passes on you because of your hair color, amount of freckles, or your weight.
There are so many people to weed out...that when someone weeds me out right away it makes me feel good because at least I didn't have to waste my time figuring out if he would work out or not. He actually saved me from a lot of hard work. :)
(Sorry for the novella)
Well, first of all, I LOVE novellas. So don't apologize for that.
ReplySecondly, I totally agree that i don't want to be with someone who only judges me for superficial things (and doesn't get to know the content of my mind/heart).
But I'd like to get to that point, where someone wants to know about me -- under all the injury.
I understand the difference between qualitative discrimination in dating -- not wanting to waste your time on someone that you don't think you could be attractive to. But I would like to think I'm attractive to a few people...
Any takers?? Men, you out there? Listening?
1. I would like people to not define me by my weight and the stereotype assumptions that go along with being a chubby.
Reply2.That I am not as outgoing as the 3 wines I just drank that gives me the social courage to sit in a bar
3.I don't even know what I am looking for yet, so unsure what I would like to people to see in me. Sad and 30 lol
Katie what do you see in yourself?
ReplyThat's a really good question. I get very frustrated that people judge me for being overweight-- and they assume that I must be lazy, no self-control, and no worth. But I have a lot of self-discipline in other areas of my life, and I have accomplishments that have nothing to do with how I look. So, I get frustrated that I am being summed up by this one very obvious trait. I like your vow, though, to honor a person's journey. I think that's a really beautiful way of putting it. Because we could all stand to judge and assume less. I am constantly amazed to find out what seemingly ordinary people have gone through in their lives, the grace they have shown, and the trials they have endured. You can never know the depth of a person by what you can see on the surface. Someone put it to me this way: "EVERYONE has a story." I guess I'd like more people to realize that.
ReplyLala:
ReplyI loved reading Dr. Huizenga's Book (the Wow Rx) where he basically said that everyone assumed that overweight people couldn't exercise. He put them on a treadmill and said "go" and physically they could do it.
People who are overweight aren't unable. There's just some reason why most just don't take that first step. It's usually some emotional trauma they don't even realize.
I'm not fat because i eat twinkies all day. I'm not fat because I sit around watching tv all day. I'm fat because I lost my grandmother and my mother and had no other way to deal with it other than eating. People swallow their words when I phrase it that way.
Everyone has a story, and we're not always patient enough to be a good listener. We let our eyes do too much of the decisionmaking.
I am at the end of a long journey from an abusive family, I am a bit battle wearya nd only starting back with a therapist. Needless to say all I see at the moment is the negative. Ask me in a few months and I know the answer will be so much more positive:)
ReplyGreat blog btw
I'm glad you like the blog....
ReplyAs for how you see yourself and/or how you want people to see you -- perhaps just start with "I am healing." Sometimes that's all the definition you need.
Good point!
ReplyI really wish people would notice (in person anyway) that I'm shy!! So many people are wandering around in the world thinking I'm a total stuck up bitch and I'm really, really not...just quiet. Working on it though :)
ReplyI think there's a bad assumption in the world that larger people have larger personalities to compensate for their social unattractiveness or they're boarded up inside their house with 43 cats. There's no inbetween that allows for any other personality traits -- like being shy.
ReplyThe thing is people might think you're a stuck up bitch b/c they're not taking the time to find out otherwise (asking your friends, or having some patience). Don't worry about what other people thing as much as worrying about what you want to project :)
I'm a big bleeding heart for everything. I cover it up/attempt to protect myself with a dry sense of humor that borders on sarcasm (depending on my mood). And then I routinely dismiss people in my life that can't see past my somewhat crusty exterior. I feel like I'm booby-trapping myself. I guess I've actually been moving away from that approach in recent years, but I fall back on it in a heartbeat if I'm in a socially uncomfortable situation. Which happens occasionally, being an introvert married to an extrovert.
ReplyI think it's much easier to retreat back into our shells (our fat armor?) when someone tries to get close to us.
ReplyI think for so many of us we've had too much time being hurt by people who wanted to get close to us only to use us. We developed these defense mechanisms not just merely to defend, but as survival techniques.
But it's nice to see people coming out of their shells as they lose the weight -- being able to trust themselves (and others) more.
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<3 Robby