The things we carry....

Obesity and emotions are intricately tied together.

This morning, I had an important realization:  I will never be able to let go of all the emotions tied to my obesity until I confront them head on.  In my case it means confronting my father head on.  I could write out a laundry list of the particulars, throw the kitchen sink at him, and just bury him under the collective weight of his failures (in my eyes), but that just deals with the anger I feel, not the pity, the resentment, or the hurt.  I think those are what keep me fat. 

And either I forgive him silently, deal with this openly, or just continue to stuff the emotions down with each swallow.

Pity:
I feel bad that he never got the chance to deal with his own issues before having a family of his own (and I resent that he didn't deal with any of those issues before he had kids), and that in his mind, his family was so destructive towards the formation of his own identity.

I pity him that he his stubborn to sensitive ratio isn't as high as mine (he might have been able to block out a few more negative voices, just like I did).

I pity that he didn't and doesn't know how to be healthy, and that he doesn't choose to learn.

Resentment:
I resent that he made decisions for me that suited his needs, not mine, and that he continues to do that, despite feeling like he has made huge sacrifices for me. (The biggest of which all surround my mother's death, which is traumatic in and of itself).

I resent that he has a selective/revisionist memory that negates my memories (that my brother corroborates as accurate) and my emotions (which he rubs salt on).

I resent that as a 28 y/o I am more self aware than he is at 60.  I have no feeling of being protected in this world and that's scary.

Hurt:
My whole body is the physical scar of how he injured me (not necessarily by malice, but by ignorance).  I have cavities because he didn't think to take me to the dentist.  He would get on me about being thin but would buy crap food and eat badly in front of me.  When my back was first injured, he didn't make the connection to my mom's back injuries and mine, nor did he think to take me to a doctor to investigate.

It hurts that in order for him to deal with his own issues, he feels the right to be a selfish asshole. And if I'm to be a good, supportive daughter, I'll smile and be accepting.  ((AA has no step for letting people tear you a new one)).


I know I'll have more to add to this list, but this is all I can handle right now.  Just wanted to share.